The Hopeful

While looking for images to post today on my blog, I first had to ponder what the subject would be.  Not an easy feat for someone like me, whose mind is chock full of random thoughts, and I am humbly out of practice with this writing thing.  I came across this image below (that I believe is linked to someone's polyvore page, named zeph?  I want to give her props, so check it out – the title above should be an active link to her stuff.)

  

 

Well, this isn't to say that I feel hopeless.  To the contrary, actually.  After our recent heatwaves passed (with temps of 90º – 105º last week, ugh!), something opened up in me.  I had been feeling far too distracted, stunting virtually every project, not yet realized.  Frustrating, indeed!  But somehow, when the heat subsided, I experienced what seemed to be this emotional awakening in me, where I was gathering momentum and inspiration.  Obviously, it was a huge relief to not feel so blocked creatively, while I slowly began to practice my crafts of writing, reading, communicating, and simply observing.  I never realized how much stillness, and quiet are required for such undertakings.  And I hadn't realized just how cluttered my life had become with the tedium of daily buzzings to and fro, phone calls needing to be made, dozens of tiny follow ups for work that never felt quite resolved, leaving me frazzled.

 

Writing (or reading) could have been a catharsis, but instead, I gave way to the void of the devoid. (Does that make sense?)  My mind, my life, became flooded with refuse from requisite living, the inescapable 'have–to's' in my life, while the 'want–to's' went by the way side.  The richness and luxury of the imaginative elements having been unfairly bullied by that damn analytical facet.   (That ego-inflated, narcissistic, practical side!  Who invited him?!?)

 

Yes, my life was like public school in the mire of a financial crisis, where music, the visual arts,  and creative writing were the first to be cut.  I felt bloated and malnourished on my regiment of inactive physical activities, and primitive professional squandering posing as false academia.  Perhaps you can understand the mounting solace when such improprieties can be overridden, and more of a balance struck in this modest life of mine.  It's laughable that I mistakenly think that these moments of equilibrium might be longer standing plateaus, as if I can now coast from here on out.  And every time I find myself enjoying this fleeting symmetry, I think I need to further remind myself that while evenness is impermanent, it can be the goal.  I can *strive* to maintain the balance that becomes  self-sustaining.  And truly enjoy the richness of that vibrant, worthwhile life when I grant myself the time to *want* beyond simply satisfying the necessities in life.  

 

I *want–to* write.  So, I will…

Wanna be startin' somethin'

(Yes, I did just steal a line from an old Michael Jackson song...)

I have started many blog posts over the past few months, but none of them seemed worthy enough to publish in the end.  Not that *this* one will either, but fingers crossed!  

I got to thinking that perhaps I needed a bit of a refresher, so I overhauled the design of the blog (the background of books, since I am always obsessing about how much there is to learn from others' literary offerings, while I ramble away with my own...)  And I am hoping that this will breathe some life into this ongoing project for me.

 To recap briefly where I've been over the past few months:

• I found a baby squirrel, and nursed it back to health (before I brought it to a neighboring state's wild animal rehabilitation center a week later.  Sigh~ )
• I started asking folks if I could interview them for my long-awaited documentary on Betty White, and everyone said yes!
• That miraculously lead to a fellow documentary film maker in Washington, DC that *just happened* to have a spare ticket to the infamous May 8th episode of Saturday Night Live that Betty White was hosting –––– which HE GAVE TO ME!!!
• I GOT TO SEE BETTY WHITE HOST SNL!!!  (I don't know how it all worked out, but it did!  And even got an interview in with the founder of the Facebook movement that made it all happen!)
• Since then, I have confirmed many more interviews, and I'm in the fund-raising stage to make all of the travel and tech specs possible to bring it to fruition.
• My good friend, Jules, and I are in the midst developing our own documentary series focusing on contemporary LGBTQIA issues, which feels really exciting to me.
• Thankfully, my DC based supper–club, aptly named "BITE CLUB," has been going strong since January, and it feels great!  We have monthly thematic dinner parties at my house, where a few dozen people get together, cook, drink, gossip, and remember what it feels like to just hang out.  It's been my saving grace!  In addition to the formal dinner parties, we've also been having low key grilling sessions, where we dust off the old turntable (or ipod...) and kick up some old favorites.  My house has both a front and back porch, which I don't think have gotten this much traffic since I moved in over four years ago.  Even with the heatwaves of late, it's been incredible to reconnect with everyone over a few beers while the crickets chirp in our back yard.  Sigh~  Oh, summer...  How we'll miss you when you are gone.
• I was recently invited to help facilitate this wonderful art auction for the Whitman Walker Clinic, for whom I used to volunteer back in the mid 1990's.  Then a few years ago, Whitman Walker asked me to be in their updated advertising campaign, so every Transgender Day of Remembrance, they've been re-running the ad with my dopey grin.  Considering that they have one of the few Trans Health Clinics in the country, and was one of the first HIV/AIDS clinics in the US around the time when my (straight) uncle died of AIDS (related to being a heroin addict), I am more than happy to support this fine establishment!  It has been a great experience, getting back into the role of organizer, especially when related to the arts and non-profits!  It's been a strange feeling, almost like a home-coming for me.  It feels good to feel good again, and feel like I've hit my stride.  (So, be on the look out for my incessant invitations to join us at the auction in November!!!)
• And I suppose the most interesting facet to me was that I fell for someone a few months back.  Sure, it didn't quite work out, but this woman revived those deep seeded curiosities in me, that spark, that fire to want to better myself, crave knowledge for its own sake, and want to be the funniest damn person in the room at any given moment.  Our hilarious "list of favorites" (or better yet, the "stuff everyone else likes, but we don't understand why" lists) back and forth reminded me of how fun and engaging it can be getting to know someone new.  She was worth knowing, and still is.  More than that, she made me want to be someone worth knowing, too.  Even if I wish, retroactively, of course, I had been a little more suave and commanding, it was the most fun I've had in years.  Believe it or not, back in college, I used to be quite the flirt.  Yet sadly, since my transition, I've been stumbling around in my own shyness, unwilling to give in to that inner flirt on hiatus.  I think I'm ready to get back to work!  Flirt-wise, blog-wise, writing-wise, doc-wise, and the like. 

The coy photo of me posted above was while I was waiting in NYC's subway, about to catch the train to go watch the live taping of Betty White hosting SNL, (for which she just received an Emmy nomination!  Amazing!)  She's 88 years old, and still going strong, working every day and at the top of her game.  It is an inspiration to see when I'm 50+ years her junior, and hope to be half as productive at *my age now*!  Jeez...   I'm ready to start working at these elements again everyday, trying to build up my chops, and I hope you can tune in!

I'll leave on this parting thought:

“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotion, spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never tasted victory or defeat.”

                                                                          - Theodore Roosevelt

Here's to daring ourselves *back* into the arena!  Let's "dare greatly!"   All the best, Will


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