AOM: 30 Days... Day 10 – Memorex

Today's assignment from The Art of Manliness "30 Days to a Better Man" is to memorize things. Specifically: the poem "If," by Rudyard Kipling. (Not to be confused with the song titled "If," by Janet Jackson. One of my personal faves back in college.)

After my last post about not being able to remember things as well anymore, maybe this is a good exercise for me right now. If you are game, here is the related link and the poem itself.

http://artofmanliness.com/2009/06/09/30-days-to-a-better-man-day-10-memorize-if/


“If”

By: Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream–and not make dreams your master,
If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings–nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And–which is more–you’ll be a Man, my son!

It helps that this guy was pretty stylin' and had a great 'stache.

Rememory

I overheard someone saying the other day that their child uses the term "rememory" in place of the word "remembering." Kind of ingenious if you ask me. That kid is smarter than me – as I actually get dumber by the minute. I used to have a nearly photographic memory, and now, most things slip right on through. Sure, I can remember my childhood best friend's birthday and her parents' home address, maybe (*your*) favorite cocktails of choice, and what indelible outfits were worn by former significant others the first time I met them.

But my memory is now failing me, and with it goes all of the information that I was trying to salvage. These keepsakes of different sorts: from familial snapshots of celebratory gatherings, to intimate gestures shared between lovers while awakening entangled in each others' limbs, to random, seemingly useless factoids to mull over aimlessly. They are dissolving in this ever-mutating brain of mine, and heavily contributed to the heightened anxiety that plagued me. It was a direct correlation: the de-crease in memories, the in-crease in anxiety. It was an exponential equation – one that interfered with the quality of my life.

I used to pride myself on my stellar memory. It got me far in school when I simply wasn't as smart as my peers. I could remember things contextually, and relate those facets to other things previously unmentioned, and find connections yet to be discovered. Not like distant stars in the solar system, but tiny flashes of realizations that mattered to me at the time. And that was just it: "what matters at the time."

What mattered for a long time was that I was losing these precious memories, never to be rediscovered. There was no neurological terrain to excavate and retrieve what had been lost. Just gone... So much has simply disappeared. Perhaps then, one could understand why that may have caused my sadness and worry. Rather than solve the mystery of the how and why my memory is escaping me, I have chosen to do what little I can to preserve it, and to also accept this new mind of mine. I have chosen to deflect the worry as it arises in me, and to try to enjoy the life I *do* have, the memories that still linger.

For what are we if we can't remember who we are?

Frankenstein (legs)

Ironically, my post has nothing to do with Halloween.

This October marks the third anniversary of my 'transition,' when I first started injecting testosterone to slide a bit farther towards the masculine end of the gender specturm. Within a few months of being on T, I began to notice some weird side effects that other transguys hadn't mentioned to me before. The most noticeable 'glitch' I hadn't expected was severe muscle rigidity. By this I mean: my muscles complete lock and become almost frozen in mid stance. Awesome! (This added to the male pattern baldness, bouts of acne, and weight gain, and I'm on the short list for People Magazine's sexiest man of the year...)

I snarkily nicknamed this muscle rigidity "Frankenstein Legs." (I mean, doesn't everyone nickname their quirky physiological side effects???) People used to think I was making it up, just to be funny. And then they saw me struggle to make even the most inane movements, where my body would freeze mid-stride. Or, I'd get out of my car, and my legs would lock, and I'd end up walking like a cowboy with hemorrhoids for the first few steps, trying to 'work through' my muscles locking up. I look like an idiot. Or when I opt to take the stairs, instead of the elevator from the parking garage at Whole Foods, people think I am being modest or generous for not taking up the handicap parking spot that I clearly deserve with my weird stuttery, goose steps. Three years and counting, folks! Happy fricken anniversary to me!

Matters were only made worse when I was recently diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (another possible side effect of the T, but anywho ~), and the related meds for ADD have me almost completely paralyzed. My body can barely move, and I feel like I've been buried alive, where my limbs can't even follow the most rudimentary of gestures. Smooth. My doc gave me muscle relaxers to help me out.

If Frankenstein was the doctor himself, and goon was called "Frankenstein's Monster," then why the hell didn't the doctor give the goon some muscle relaxers, a few shots of Botox, a brow lift, and some mood stabilizers? It's almost like he wanted his creation to be chased by villagers toting flaming torches.

Now that I think about it, is this some line of foreshadowing? Is that what I have to look forward to as I age? Stomping around with my deep set eyes, furrowed brow, burly scars, and limited vocabulary. Well, at least I have better shoes! And a tailor...

Halloweener

I'm not a huge fan of Halloween – have I mentioned this before? I was always the kid that was too afraid of committing to a costume idea, fearful that I'd later find out it was passe, or just plain lame. It was too much pressure, and I was never the 'cool kid.' I was friends with the cool kids, and I just didn't want to do anything that would call too much attention to myself. I never wanted to be a 'try hard.'

But as a kid, my mother was fanatical about these kinds of holidays. She is both insanely creative AND an elementary school teacher, so it was like she was genetically engineered for these types of festivities. My mom would start planning our costumes months in advance, and often hand crafted our entire ensembles. (Like when I was a tiny kid, she made me a Smurf costume from scratch... But my all time favorite idea was when my brother was about 4 yrs old, my mom made him a Raggedy Andy costume, *and* a life sized, matching Raggedy Ann doll that she then sewed onto the Andy costume sleeve. When they approached a house, they rang the doorbell, and my brother would raise that one arm out to the side, and it looked like he had his arm around the doll's shoulder. How crazy is that? Who thinks of this stuff??? She is amazing. Bummer that she had a shy, awkward kid like me to resist her incredible talents, like costuming.)

The photos above are my idea of a good costume... All but the upper right pics are of the alleged mo' male hustler character "Terry," from Reno 911. One of my favorite characters from all of hallowed television. Last year I spent far too long looking for ridonkulously small terry cloth shorts & tank set, but no dice. The sad part is, I actually kinda look like that guy. I was thinking of trying again for this year, but I just recently gained a few pounds that made me a little too self conscious for such a get up. Oh well...

So, if anyone asks why I'm not dressed up this year, I've decided to tell them I am – I am going as Chaz Bono, Cher's tranny son. That way, the few pounds I've gained actually add to my character study. I just need to throw on a some cargo shorts and an oversized paisley t-shirt, er sumpthin'. I think I am officially the laziest person ever.

AOM: 30 Days... Day 9 – Datey

To be honest, it's 12:30am, and I feel guilty that I haven't written more today. My day ended up getting away from me with work and 'research.' A good friend of mine made me an amazing dinner, and we caught up with some of her friends for a long time post dinner. Incredible bourbon was shared (which I typically don't drink) and the wine I brought was imbibed. All of this to say: I'm tipsy after midnight, on my walk home from the hood, took my dog out, and now facing my laptop, feeling like I need to post before I sign off and go to bed.

Sooooo, today's assignment from The Art of Manliness "30 Days to a Better Man" is to take a woman on a date. Technically, I think a woman asked me on a sort of date for tonight, and I asked someone else out for next week. Well, no – I asked when she was free, and next week was the response. Close enough after midnight, yes? Technicalities.... Aye!

Here is the link and an excerpt from AOM, as I try to sober up:

Dating and the Single Man

We’ve previously discussed the way in which “hanging out” has largely supplanted dating these days. Young people hang out in groups of friends and “friends with benefits” and rarely pair off for an official date. There’s nothing wrong with hanging out, but it’s not a substitute for dating. Dating is the way you find a woman you’d like to have an exclusive relationship with. Exclusive relationships are one on one affairs, so there has to come a point where you leave the comfort of the group and start getting to know women on a one-on-one basis.

Dating and the Committed Man

Hanging out isn’t just a romance killer for the single set, it also has a nasty habit of snuffing out the sparks of long-term relationships as well. Too many men think that the courting phase of a relationship ends at the altar or once they’ve landed a lady. But this is patently incorrect, at least if you want to have a happy, fun, and intimate relationship.

Think about it: If you want to feel the same way about your wife that you did when you were dating, then you have to do some of the stuff you did when you were dating. The most obvious of which is, of course, actually going on dates. Every couple should make a weekly date night a non-negotiable in their life. And not just the same dinner and a movie dates either. It turns out that if you want to get back the butterflies you used to feel for your lady, you need to make the effort to keep your dates fresh and interesting. By injecting some novelty into your relationship, your brain gets flooded with dopamine and norepinephrine, the chemicals that used to make you think about your love obsessively and feel down right giddy about her.¹ So ditch the whole pizza and Netflix routine and really get out and do something new and different.

I need to stop snacking on miniature chocolates at this late hour, and call it a night. Thanks to my dearest friends that humor me and teach me the ways of the men that have more of a clue than I do... Soon enough, I will employ these tricks of the trade. In the meantime, a good night's sleep is in order to start the day anew tomorrow. Sigh~

Done and done.

Substance abuse

So, as many of you may have noticed, I haven't been writing as much lately. I have been trying to keep up with some sort of daily post, even if it is just this series, or introducing new series to come on this blog. But... I haven't been getting into any of the real *substance* of my life, let alone dating life, as of late. Yes, I have been busy, but I have also been somewhat distracted.

In the past, some of these distractions were instigated by people I found interesting, and other times, it was simply work keeping me in the grind. Now, I guess I could say it's a little of both.

The truth is, I am in a place of dissecting my recent past in order to understand it in a new light, and move on from there. It's all well and good, until I start to wonder how to make these first few steps in a new direction.

Have you ever been skiing? Well, I suck at it. I am particularly bad at downhill skiing, made all the more infuriating that it is typically a very public endeavor. I have to be bad in front of a lot of unsuspecting people. Worse than that, my 'badness' literally can get in their way, as we are all vying for nearby spots on the same slope. What I fear most about skiing is not looking badly – as luckily, we are usually so bundled it would be next to impossible to recognize me and eternally mock me for my spills and wipeouts, and it is not even the falling itself that bothers me.

The most annoying part to me in skiing is the few seconds it takes to 'gracefully' depart from the ski lift bench seat, and glide across the often flat, snow covered terrain, to reposition myself for the prospective launch down hill. Just before arriving at the crest, I begin to brace myself for the inevitable: the fleeting moment when I just may use my bench mate as a balance beam, generally flinging them to the opposing side as I try to push off, and catch my stride. Ya. No good.

A few moments before I was enjoying the aerial view of the snow covered mountain, and a few moments after, I will be skulking down that very same path. But that middle portion, is just a complete shitbomb of a disaster. I have almost lost a few friends by that accidental fling-fest procedure I have developed. Somehow, this murky imagery comes to mind now when I review my dating habits.

Since I haven't been writing about anything remotely personal lately, let me try now to share something of substance:

I have made some mistakes. In my past I have been ruled by anxiety, which left untreated would often coast straight into depression-ville. I could never comprehend just how much of my reactions to various stimuli were hardwired from these bio-chemical predispositions. I'm not saying this as a cop out. Actually – far from it! Anyone who has known me well, knows that I have been in therapy since I was 5 years old (required by my elementary school when my paralyzing shyness turned me into a weeping hysterical mess more often than not, and school became frightful). Virtually my entire life has been spent sitting in front of some sort of highly educated specialist listening to my woes, and then suggesting other mechanisms to employ the next time around. Needless to say, I never had much success combating the horrible case of the 'worries,' or the resulting 'melancholy' that would follow, despite trying a million techniques.

Every worry seemed so justified, every bout of sadness seemed to have very plausible roots. Ending this cycle proved to be incredibly challenging. Therapist after therapist, all of the specialists with their fields of expertise, year after year – it was enough to make me feel like a full fledged failure. I had failed the system. Not one doctor, or therapist; not one med or supplement; not one branch of psychology or alternative medicine – but ALL of it. I *felt* no better, and for all intents and purposes – I *was* no better. Something to truly plant the seeds of anxiety and sadness, egh?

But then something changed. I started dating a woman that had ADD, and while on a romantic get away for New Years last year, she opened up about some of her experiences with anxiety and ADD. She told me about some of the approaches she explored, and what methods worked better than others. And I started to see that many of us have some kind of 'thing' we're working on in our lives... Suddenly, I felt safe enough with this woman to begin to reframe how I wanted look at my own struggles. Instead of seeing them as a long list of failures, and seeing myself as the master-failure, I could grant myself permission to simply acknowledge that I hadn't yet found an option that helped me manage my predispositions in a way that felt sufficient. So, I tried...

I did extensive research on the brain's functions, and examined all of the top researchers in their fields, and what approaches they were taking to tackle these ongoing issues in brain health. While doing all of this, I found one of the top doctors in the country happened to be in my area, and I was lucky enough to get an appointment the very next day. I went in doubtful, and relayed my entire history of all of the things that either had no effect, or a worsening effect on my health and wellness.

I spoke at length about my history of feeling unwell, and how it seemed to have sabotaged much of my life. (Again, we covered the many unusual head injuries I have sustained since early childhood, and the Doctor joked it was amazing that I have been so successful under the circumstances.) He felt confident that we could find the right mix of approaches, and get me back on track. All of the things that were deemed 'failures' in my head were perfectly placed flags on this metaphorical map of my brain function. He could rule out what didn't work, and understand more about what might work based on side effects and bad reactions I suffered as the result of certain meds, or therapeutic approaches.

Within a few months of trying a few things out, and deducing all of the right ingredients to ensure my wellness and return to stability, I began to see just how out of whack I have been for far too long. It was tough to not feel sad, like if I had found this doctor sooner, I may have been able to have lead a much different, more successful and even joyful life. There is no use for regret, but I feel so relieved to have finally planted myself more firmly in this new chapter of stability and health. I am so happy that I tried one last time to find a better solution for what always made me feel incapable, or like I was just dumb for not being able to fix it all mindfully. (In no way am I advocating that everyone should be on meds, and that therapy is a hoax. NO! I just see now that sometimes our bio-chemistry is askew, and can't be 'willed' into being otherwise.)

All of this to say that I am happy to have found this calmness and peace. It has been a long time coming. While recently watching a friend of mine freak out daily because her aloof, yet sweet boyfriend kept disappearing for days, I remembered how that mania felt, and how manipulated I was by my anxiety and fears. Now, everything feels approachable and manageable, and I am content, overall.

When I think about this last relationship I had, I am filled with mixed emotions. I am grateful to have felt inspired by her story to research my way to a healthier life, one that works for me. But, to be honest, I am also sad to have lost her before I found this sense of stability and contentment. (Insert wily image of me throwing her atop the ski ridge, when I tried to push off from the lift, while trying to find my stability. An accidental casualty of love. One which I regret every day.) I can imagine that my ever-present anxiety snuffed the flame of passion and desire before we even had a real chance. I know I can't go back and change the past, nor can I wallow in regret over what I didn't know back then. All I can do is appreciate and celebrate the relief I feel, and hope that this path will somehow lead me to being open to the right romantic fit down the line.

One of my favorite writers has a quote that says something to the effect of:

It's sad that we often learn the much needed wisdom as the *result* of going through something so treacherous and challenging. We acquire the knowledge *after* we needed it, when it could have helped us with some pretty serious damage control...

I see now what he meant.

AOM: 30 Days... Day 8 - Journalist

Today's assignment from The Art of Manliness "30 Days to a Better Man" series is to begin a daily journal, keeping track our personal minutia and emotional evolutions. I can do that. When I was a kid I kept fastidious notes and journals about my life. Back then I believed that my life was going to be infinitely fascinating to other people. I *just knew* that someday people were going to desperately flip through my journals and notebooks to find the marrow of my being – assuming that I had already become famous, and this shit would matter. Jeez, narcissistic much?

Which brings me to this blog. (Eh-hem.) Following suit in that narcissistic thread, here I am in my mid-thirties blathering on about my life on a daily basis, assuming that other folks might find it entertaining. Maybe the idea of keeping a diary is one of benevolence: if I write in a teeny secret way, I won't have to prattle on in this blog format, and won't have to bore people to tears. Maybe.

Here is the link to AOM, and the excerpt for the day:

It can bring you to your senses. Have you ever struggled with a choice, thought about it long and hard, made a decision, but then some time later started to regret it? Have you ever gotten into a rut from which you can’t seem to find a way out? A journal can aid you in these dilemmas. When you make a decision, you can write down all the reasons you have for coming to that conclusion. Then, after times passes, and you start doubting that choice, you can look back, remind yourself of why you made that decision in the first place, and feel reassured in pressing on. Or, it you’re in a depressed funk and don’t know how to extract yourself from it, you can look back through your journal to find the times when you were happiest. Old journal entries can help you rediscover the kind of changes you need to make to get your life back on track. Or you can look back at your journal and how you used to operate 5 years ago and think, “Damn! I never want to be that man again! What was I thinking?” A journal is basically a chance for your past self to lend counsel to your present self.

Finally, simply writing about your feelings and frustrations helps you focus on what’s really going on in your life and in your head, so that you can come up with a solution to your problems.

Journaling grants you immortality. Think of the billions of people who have and will perish from the earth without leaving a trace of themselves behind. They vanish into the ether, completely forgotten in the annals of history. A journal helps make you immortal. It is an tangible piece of evidence to leave behind that you were here! That you lived and loved! That there was such a person as Jared Matthews who lived in Austin, Texas who thought and breathed and died.

Immortality, huh? And I won't even have to watch any of those punk ass vampire flicks to think that immortality is possible? Then I'm all in... I hate fantasy shit. My diary won't make a single peep about vampires. I swear!

AOM: 30 Days... Day 7 – Reconnect

Today's assignment from The Art of Manliness "30 Days to a Better Man" series is to "Reconnect with an Old Friend." This is aptly timed, as I have a few friends that I owe some serious correspondence. Truth be told, there are a few people that I have lost over the years with multiple migrations, and ever changing email addresses, let alone home addresses. (Who keeps those written down anymore?) A few folks missed out on the past several years of my life. Kinda important stuff to miss. How do I start *those* letters?

I used to be a hardcore letter writer, loving to choose the optimal writing utensil for the fanciful stationary or indie letter press stock. Hand written letters and well chosen cards are high up there on my list for old world romance. I don't even mean sappy, saccharine sweet puppy love. By 'romance' I mean those long standing, sweeping emotions that emanate from our tender, intimate core. It doesn't have to be reserved exclusively for our spouses or significant others. Best friends and confidantes would be just fine.

It used to be one of the qualifiers in my life – how I knew the ranks of my inner circle. There were those who wrote, and those who didn't. There were those who sometimes bought obligatory cards for holidays and such, and then those who simply wrote for every other reason. Those were the ones I held on to... And I still do. I have saved every letter (except those from an early girlfriend) that I have ever received, and have them all filed by sender.

There are some friends that use email as the newer vehicle for these same old heartfelt messages. As much as I miss the swooping details of their lower case g's, or upper case w's, or the tactile response from feeling the page's texture on my fingertips, I still adore the antiquated roots in this newer format. Again, there are those of whom write for the sake of writing, and I love it all.

This assignment is the necessary prompting I need to dust off my old letter writing skills, and reach out to those old friends that have drifted away in time and space. Wish me luck with fessing up about this big whopper of a transition!

Here is the link and excerpt for AOM's series:

http://artofmanliness.com/2009/06/06/30-days-to-a-better-man-day-7-reconnect-with-an-old-friend/

We have previously discussed the ardent friendships of the 19^th century, and the interesting history of male friendship in general. And while much has changed in our world since Lincoln’s day, are we not still a society where we head from our hometowns to far flung locations in pursuit of career or college, and are we not still at times, if we can admit it, “unbearably lonely?”

Yet unlike the men of the 19^th century, the men of today do not seek even closer friendships to enrich their lives and lend them support. Instead, under the excuse of being too busy, and out of the fear of being called a homo, we often distance ourselves from other men, trying to be the lone wolf. Or, as Wayne has pointed out, we look to female relationships to cure all of our hunger for intimacy.

Did someone call me a homo??? Maybe their insulting comment got lost in the mail.

Click on this title

From The Onion: How to find a masculine Halloween costume for your effeminate son

AOM: 30 Days... Day 6 – Resume

Today's assignment from The Art of Manliness "30 Days to a Better Man" is to update one's resume. There is nothing in the world that instills such a sense of dread in me like updating my stinking resume. I know it's a good thing to do, but I have such non-traditional work experiences, working mostly as a consultant type figure that I get easily frustrated, and shut down. Perhaps it's related to my A.D.D., and perhaps it's just that resumes are the vortex of all humanity, sucking the very life out of us. (Bitter much?) I'm getting anxious already, just thinking about mine.

Here are their tips, and I think they forgot to add it's better to embark after a shot of scotch to take the edge off.

http://artofmanliness.com/2009/06/05/30-days-to-a-better-man-day-6-update-your-resume/

None of us need reminding that the economy is in the tank right now. In this tight job market, every small thing can mean the difference between landing a job and being unemployed. Today we’re going to focus on one of those “small” things: our resume. I don’t know everyone’s story out there, but I’m sure many of you are looking for work. And having an updated, sharp looking resume is an essential part of networking like a man.

Even if you have a job, it’s a good idea to update your resume. Why? Well, first, there’s a chance you could lose your job, and you want to be able to start looking for new work immediately instead of having to spend time working on your resume. Second, perhaps a better job opportunity will show up. Many times, such opportunities are time sensitive, meaning the first to get his foot in the door usually gets the job. We all need to be ready for these opportunities when they present themselves by having resumes that are ready to be printed off and placed in someone’s hand.

Good luck and God speed!

The Men I Admire...

You'll have to excuse this pic. It was next to impossible to find a plausible image to represent admiration. I think this is a trophy figurine for swimming, but I'm not sure. Don't worry, this won't be a post all about the romanticism of aquatics.

Lately I have been mulling things over a lot. I've been contemplating this concept of masculinity, and wondering what it was exactly that made me want to transition. Was it that I wanted to be a man, or that I felt like I wasn't a woman, and then by default had to the 'the other' one? For me, I think it was the latter choice. So, it's often difficult for me to say that "I'm a man" now. "Transguy" is fine, "guy" is fine – but "man" is still tough for me. There are so many connotations about men and masculinity, how can I say that it fits me? And with so many of those connotations being not so great, it would be challenging to voluntarily assert those monikers as my own. What's a (trans-)boy to do?

I wanted to transition because I didn't feel like a woman, or a lesbian, despite my female body, and the fact that I dated women. When I thought about transitioning, I embraced the idea of being in between the two poles, as I think more of us are in between than we can count in demographic studies. And I don't only mean trans folks... I think gender is more of a spectrum, but when we only label the *end points* of that spectrum, and recognize only two options with check boxes on official forms, whatever is in between doesn't seem to really count. I'm all about middles. This is no different.

So, if I have to check some box on some federal document, I'd have to go with the masculine one. But is that based on my deeper voice, my scruffy chin, my broadened shoudlers, my whispy hair on my surgically altered chest – are those factors what make me a man in this society? Oprah has talked about finding straggley chest hairs from time to time, or chin hairs – and she's no man. Ethel Merman had a deep, booming voice, and she was still clearly deemed a woman in Hollywood. Obviously it's a bit more complicated than just signs and tones.

That said, I started to notice almost a sense of guilt that I wanted to be recognized as a guy. I didn't want to buck the system, and acquire any of the potential advantages of being a guy in this society, I simply wanted to shed the feminine shell that never quite seemed to fit me. Like that ill-fitting hand knitted sweater some distant aunt gave that you'd have to dawn for holiday visits. "When can I take this thing off, already???"

Now that I am assumed to be a guy because of all of the markers and cue mentioned above, I feel both relieved to have stepped out of the feminine body that never felt like mine, and also like I want to assert my identity as a trans-guy, and not just a biologically born male. If being a trans-guy is an identity that I can *choose,* than I also want to *choose* which elements from the spectrum of masculinity and femininity I embrace and celebrate in this new life of mine.

As I have mentioned before, "choosing" masculinity" has been a very conflicted endeavor for me, as some have said that it implies that I am a misogynist (to abandon my feminist sisters), or a chauvinist, wanting to confirm that there is only a gender binary. It's sad that my trans status can be reduced to those assumptions. But looking closer, trying to see beyond my knee jerk reactions of guilt and shame I see something larger emerging: the backlash against men and masculinity on the whole in this culture. Witnessing so many men abuse the power bestowed on them, and acting in dehumanizing ways, it's easy to understand where this backlash began. Those power hungry men, war mongers, and dictators make it easy to hate that thread of male-ness. But clearly, that is not all there is to masculinity. Seeing people like President Obama take center stage marks that hopeful shift that although "all men are created equal," they don't all act the same way.

ENTER: The Men I Admire Series

While rummaging through my mind for potential mentors (linked to an older post), I felt a bit woosey. It's tough to think about the men I admire, and having to go through the awkward and intimidating process of asking them if they'll step into an ongoing role of being my idol. Um, not so much. Butterflies aside, I had to come up with something worthy of this mentorship program suggested by The Art of Manliness, but something with less of a time commitment on the side of the inspiring guys I hope to emulate some day. An idea struck me.

I want to start a series on this blog called Men I Admire. Simple enough. I want it to be a weekly series featuring men that have impressed me in some significant way. Some of these men are incredible entrepreneurs, business men, writers, artists, musicians, fathers, have followed their dreams, or have inspired mine. I will interview these guys via email, so I can directly post excerpts from our exchanges.

When I think about my background in so many diverse fields, the one element that I loved from of all the jobs and experiences that I've had was the chance to talk to people in a meaningful and expansive way. I'm one of those dorks who loves documentaries and biographies to understand more about the human condition. Maybe these explorations will only be interesting to me, who knows. And maybe I am straying too far from my initial intention of writing about dating and relationships, but I can imagine it will all come together, as in my mind, everything is interconnected. (Is that just my laziness and proclivity to bullshitting? egh? Perhaps.)

It is my hope to highlight men worthy of admiration, and remind us as a culture, a society, that not all men are the awful guys we see greedily embezzling, calling for torture of innocent people, or instilling a sense of shame over the umbrella of masculinity. Some are really good guys trying to be the change they wish to see in the world. Those are the folks that I want to showcase here. Those are the people that I hope can inspire us all!

So, be on the look out for this new series, coming to a monitor near you!

AOM: 30 Days... Day 5 – Gratitude

Today's assignment from The Art of Manliness is to Cultivate Your Gratitude. I can dig it...

Here is the related link and an excerpt:

http://artofmanliness.com/2009/06/04/30-days-to-a-better-man-day-5-cultivate-your-gratitude/

Some people think if they had more stuff or better luck, then they would magically have more gratitude. But the number of your material possessions or relationships will have no effect on your attitude. Once you got those things, you’d simply start thinking about new things you wanted. Gratitude is an attitude that can be cultivated in whatsoever circumstances you find yourself in. It’s not about good things happening to you, it’s about finding new layers of wonderfulness in the things that you have right now.

Part 1: Cultivate Your Personal Gratitude

It’s time to take stock of all the good things in life that we have to be thankful for. So task #1 is to make a list of 10 things that you’re grateful for.

So task #2 is to give 3 thank you’s to 3 different people today. These have to be specific thank yous. I’m not talking about the waiter bringing your soup and you saying, “thank you,” in return, although you could at the end of the meal say, “I just wanted to tell you how grateful I am for the extraordinary service you gave tonight.” It’s okay to thank people just for doing their job well. Yeah, they’re just doing their job, but I think we all know plenty of people who can’t even rise to that level, and I’m personally grateful when people have enough integrity to do so.

That said, here are my thank you's:

1. I want to thank every single person that has taken the time to read this blog. Even if they stumbled upon it by accident, after doing some Google search for some random image, or a long lost friend from college, a new friend, or an old lover... Thank you to everyone that has invested even 5 seconds in reading my often rambling thoughts about this funny little life of mine.

I started this blog mid-September of 2009, and then installed a stat counting system two weeks after that. I have received nearly 700 hits on this website in the month that I have had the counter system in place. Baffling numbers to me...

So, thank you to those of you who check back in daily to read my latest posts, and to those who maybe have only glanced at it briefly. More specifically, a deeper thanks to those of whom not only read my words, but then contacted me afterwards to let me know what my offerings brought up in your mind's eye. Some people have told me how much they can relate to my fumbling around the subject of love, even though they themselves are not trans. While others suggested related topics from a new perspective that I hadn't formerly thought of yet. All of it feeds me, and not just my narcissism. I have learned so much from these exchanges that others have shared with me. I feel very grateful to have these thoughtful people in my life nourishing me in the ways that they do.

2. I would like to thank my closest friends, those of whom I talk to on almost a daily basis. Those of you who have gotten me through the toughest points, and have forgiven me my missteps and lack of grace when I have gotten scared. Thanks for seeing me through, guys...

3. I want to thank my family and friends for accepting and even celebrating my 'new' life with me. Thank you to everyone who calls me "Will," and all that it represents. I feel very lucky to have the support and acceptance I have been given in this trans life of mine.

4. Thank you to all of the medical doctors, nurses, and medical staffers that have made this transition possible. Not only my gender transition, but the path to a more stable, healthy, heart-full life. Thank you all!

5. Thanks to all of my trans and queer trailblazers who have been forging the way so the rest of us can live a life with more security, safety, and dignity. I hope to join your ranks, and give back all that you have given to me.

6. Thank you to all of the women who have been brave enough to love me, and embark on a relationship that might not have fit with your romantic trajectory. I have been so loved, and have learned so much about the craft of loving because of your generosity and kind spirits. (And by "spirits," I don't mean booze...) Despite my deeply rooted fears that I may be unlovable, you have proven me wrong. I have been incredibly loved, and I choose to see the power of that, rather than focus on the lack of a romantic partner right now.

Thank you everyone! (Funny that there is a cross pollenation between Oprah's "Gratitude Journal" and The Art of Manliness's "Cultivate Your Gratitude" assignment. I feel like I need to go back to yesterday's post about increasing my testosterone... Oh, I am grateful that I can now bench 350 lbs. Ha!)

Mr. Fix It

I was re-reading that issue of Esquire Magazine from a few months back – the one all about Manhood, trying to see how other people define 'manliness.' I have to admit that I feel quite conflicted about this term, and all that encapsulates. I caught some flack from my feminist friends, as they believed I was fleeing the herd when I decided to transition. (Shit, am I going to get in trouble for referring to a group of women as a 'herd?' Ugh. I can't win!) And I also took some heat from my other trans/queer friends for not being 'gender-queer' enough, as I seemed to blend in too easily with the 'hetero-normative' crowd. (I have been criticized for not hanging out with 'enough' queer people, and for using my trans status to pass as yet another straight white middle class man. It gets tricky...)

So, I was thinking more about it. Reading more about it. Then thinking some more.

One article I read mentioned this idea that to be manly, one needs to "fix things." Whether these things are literal incarnations, such as a leaky faucet, a squeaky door, or more metaphorical spins like 'world peace,' or being the 'bread winner.' And I thought about my own upbringing, and how this role of "Mr. Fix It" fits in...

I was born in 1975, and was raised during the late 70s and 80s, watching America shift along with the Feminist Movement. TV shows like Maude, and The Mary Tyler Moore Show, depicted strong women wanting men, but wanting to assert their equality with them. Seems easy enough. But I also remember all of the jokes from sitcoms about women being unsure if they should allow men to hold the door open for them, or to pay for every date. Was that chauvinistic condescension, or just good manners? Fine line...

It figures that my generation is the product of those conflicted messages. We grew up believing that we could be anything we wanted to be – even equal. That was the easy part. But the part that so many of my female friends seem to trip on is when they meet an old school dude, who seemed to have missed the 70s liberation movement altogether. And I wonder where I fit in to the mix.

My parents are super old school – my mother is an elementary school teacher, and my dad was an executive at an insurance company. They were high school sweethearts from a Boston suburb, who then moved to Connecticut to start a better life after they got married. My father was relatively handy around the house, and often preferred to do most of the fix it work himself. The problem was that he did not have an exacting personality, which drove my mother crazy. (Understandably!) So, I grew up with my dad building and repairing all this 'stuff,' and my mother having to nag him to finish, or re-finish what was left imperfect.

I think about myself, and see much of this upbringing infused in my own psyche. My first instinct is to tackle issues myself. (Yes, I did study Conflict Resolution in college, but here I mean more along the lines of carpentry, and household necessities.) But more like my mother, I have gotten better with finishing projects with more precision than my father would have. And I think about how this translates into the modern world.

Does it make me more 'manly' because I am good with tools, and am crafty enough to know how to use them around the house? Would I be less manly if I didn't know how to use them? Is that all it takes is a circular saw or meandering drill bit to fit the bill?

On many lists of what women find attractive in men is the quality of the "resolver." They want to know that their man will be on their side and fix things that need tending. Even more than that, they would love a man who could prevent things from breaking in the first place. Again, this resides in both the literal and figurative stances.

And one more time, I think about myself – my upbringing, and my own persona. Yes, I want to be that resolver, but the reality is that I was socialized as a girl growing up. A girl in the late 1970s-80s with all of those clashing political commentaries that we covered before. Honestly, there is a part of me that still wants my knight in shining armor to fix things for me, too, as I would fix things for her. I just want that knight to be a hott chick on a horse, who knows how to weld, poach the perfect salmon, and can keep a ficus tree alive. (Is that so much to ask???)

The last woman I dated was a sculptor, and unknowingly wooed me by talk of all of her various projects. Not just her art making process, but when she singlehandedly hung shelving units and these amazing wooden cubbies in her new apartment and studio space – I was in love... Hubba hubba!

But I think the problem with that relationship was that I wasn't yet ready to step up and be more resolved in general. I felt a little too 'flimsy' with regard to my own wellness and stability, and I see now how that affected the relationship. There was a part of me that was too anxious and unsure about this new life of mine, and all that it meant post transition, in addition to all of the more practical concerns like my career and finances. (I had gotten laid off from one of my small business contracts, which had impacted my salary, which them delayed me from paying off my debt incurred from my 'top surgery' and car repairs for my money pit of an Audi. On and on...) That kind of general anxiety of mine wore away the fibers of intimacy.

I didn't want her to save me or rescue me, but I wanted our connection to be the one solid thing that could help me ride the tides of these other uncertainties. It was unfair to think like that, and ended up extinguishing the fire that we hoped could be there for years to come. Sad, indeed.

Since then, I have come to realize a lot of things:

1. I need to be my own Mr. Fix It. I decided to do several things to reduce my anxiety: I started to resume my higher doses of testosterone again (hello serenity and confidence, goodbye gorgeous hair). I also decided to go on anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds, since it is something I have struggled with all of my life. (Remind me to tell you of all of the head injuries I have had. When I told my last doctor, he literally exclaimed: "It's amazing you can hold down a job, or have any relationships with that history!" Amazing!) I have been trying to get more exercise to raise endorphins, and work off that nervous energy in a positive way. And I have writing everyday to try to exorcise some of these demons pent up inside. Luckily it's via the interweb, so you don't hafta worry about the split pea soup splatter as you read my blog mid-exorcism...

2. I decided to go on more dates. It's tough to imagine finding 'the one' anymore, after thinking I found her, and feeling too unresolved in my own life to make it work. But I've realized that they only way to learn is by doing. (Insert Dewey-ian principles here ___. I did go to Bennington for god's sake. And no, by "doing" I don't mean sex. Pervert!) I can just let myself be where I am, and meet other folks here, along the way. It's all a part of this learning process, to hear other people's stories, which help me reflect on my own.

3. To have more confidence, and to cut the tethers that formerly bound me to thinking I was 'lesser than...' Part of wanting someone else to fix things for me was rooted in thinking that I was incapable of fixing it myself. Now that I feel more calm, more grounded, more resilient and stable overall, I see that I can handle anything that comes my way. And that if I've made a misstep, I can trust myself to get back on the more productive course soon enough. It has eliminated a lot of the shame that I felt in the past about being the "fuck up." I can do this... I really can.

When I talk about my transition not being only about gender, this is what I mean. It's not that I have 'become' a man, and therefore feel more capable. Or that now that I am received in the world as a man I get more advantages. For me, it has been about facing those demons, and making the best of whatever is left beyond that, man or not. I've been trying to forgive myself for some of my past mistakes and sloppiness, and muster enough faith so that I can learn and move on, from a more informed place. If that place happens to be more masculine, it's probably just coincidental.

Even if I don't have all of the answers now, I will create them along the way. It's really okay. I'm really okay. And isn't that what we really want? Whether we fix things or someone else does, we just want to know that we are really going to be okay in the end. (And by end, I don't mean the butt. Jeez. You people...)

AOM: 30 Days... Day 4 – Increase Your Testesterone

Are you kidding me with this stuff???

So, today's assignment from The Art of Manliness is "Increase Your Testosterone." Like I need any help with that.

(A year and a half ago, I screwed up and accidentally began taking the same T dose twice as frequently as I should have been – hence my joke that testosterone made me more stoopid. I almost instantly started losing the hair on the crown of my scalp, and sprouted an insane amount of pesky chest hairs. Ya, about that... Since then, I slowly reduced the amount of T that I injected, and let more time elapse in between shots, but without much help. Years later, and lower T levels in my body, and the male pattern baldness is still running rampant. Awesome! Fuck it – I'm back to my original prescribed T levels, at the suggested intervals, and saving up for the soon to be needed hair transplant, while contemplating corporate sponsorship on my newly revealed scalp if it means a discount on the procedure. But anywho~)

Here is an excerpt from AOM:

http://artofmanliness.com/2009/06/03/30-days-to-a-better-man-day-4-increase-your-testosterone/

“Researchers in the US are finding testosterone levels to be substantially lower — by about 15 to 20% — than they were fifteen years ago. Scandinavian studies show similar declines, and in younger men too; a man born in 1970, for example, had about 20 percent less testosterone at 35 than a man of his father’s generation at the same age.”³

So what’s sapping our T? Here’s a few of the factors at play:

Stress. Stress increases our level of cortisol and decreases our testosterone.

Lack of sleep. Testosterone rises while you sleep, particularly during the REM phases. Today, men are often skimping on their shut eye, which in turn is sapping their testosterone.⁴

Soy intake. Soy is supposed to be so good for you, right? Wrong! Soy increases your estrogen and decreases your T.⁵ It will also lower your sperm count.⁶

Eating a low fat diet. Low fat diets have been widely debunked these days.⁷ But in case you needed yet another reason to put down the Snackwell’s, it has also been proven to decease your T.⁸

Smoking. The nicotine and cotinine in cigarettes inhibits and reduces T production.⁹

The Day 4 Challenge: Increase Your Testosterone!

So your task for today is to do three things from the following list that will help increase your testosterone. Obviously, doing more than 3 is great, and I would encourage you to commit to them for the whole 30 days and beyond.

1. Get at least 8 hours of sleep tonight.

2. Do not smoke at all today. (If you don’t smoke right now, you can’t count this one as one of your 3)

3. Do no eat anything with soy in it. You’re going to have to read labels. It will blow your mind how many things contain soy these days.

4. Meditate for at least 10 minutes. This will help you de-stress.

5. Do resistance training. Lift some weights and do compound exercises like squats, deadlifts, dips, rows, and pull-ups. They’ll boost your T more than bicep curls. You also need to use heavy weights and short sets. If you’re looking to maximize your T, I highly recommend the Strong Lifts 5X5 program.

6. Eat a serving of good fat. As you fat intake goes up, so do your T levels. Aim to get at least 30% of your calories from fat today and spread your consumption of it throughout the day. Monosaturated fats-the kind found in nuts, fish, olives, olive oil, seeds, and avocados-are particularly beneficial to your testosterone level (and your health).¹⁰ Also, don’t be afraid of saturated fat; that whole business about it raising your cholesterol and causing heart disease is a bunch of rubbish.¹¹

7. Eat a serving of animal protein. Vegetarian diets have been proven to lower your T levels.¹² So go ahead and have that steak. (This might be the easiest day of the challenge yet!) There’s no need to overdo it though; a diet with a carb to protein ratio of 2:1 is ideal for testosterone production.

8. Eat a serving of cruciferous vegetables. Veggies like broccoli, cauliflower, radishes, turnips, cabbage and brussel sprouts contain Diindolylmethane which helps balance your estrogen and testosterone levels and increases the amount of free circulating T in your body.

9. Have morning sex (if you partner is willing, of course). Just having an erection increases your testosterone. And you already get a surge of T when you wake up, so this will bump it up even further.

Well, this was the easiest one yet! Coincidentally, my T levels are at their apex from my last injection. So eating a tuna steak instead of a soy boy veggie burger ain't gonna make that much difference for me today. Whatev's. Here we go with this list from here on out! Watch out folks, I might just rip through my shirt by day 26!

Iconoclasts

Yes, I think I may have mentioned this show on the Sundance Channel. I adore this program, and feel constantly inspired by both its premise and its actuality. The episode on now features Mikhail Baryshnikov and Alice Waters, and I feel homesick. It's strange.

'Homesick' is the only word that encapsulates this feeling.

Watching dancers reminds me of where I have been before. I dated a modern dancer, and shared a life with her for a few years. She and I had similar paths, where she was classically trained as a ballet dancer, and then went on to focus on Modern Dance when she went to college. (I was classically trained as a metalsmith, and have gone on to do installation and video work.)

For me, my history was about learning the foundation of my craft, and then building out from there with a more artistic eye. But I grew to resent my peers at college who *knew* they were artists, but had no formal training in their forms media. I felt partly envious of that sense of righteousness, and partly annoyed at that sense of naivety that lends to narcissism. This ex of mine shared those same sensibilities, having been trained as a ballet dancer. A process far more strict and disciplined than my silly metal work.

We shared that language, that intuition about art balanced with a refined, well honed craft at the spine of the work. She and I would go to performances and many types of displays of art, and always deconstructed them afterwards in this common language. There were times where we could literally read each others' minds amid the silence of a performance. We could predict and project how the other would experience and interpret the unfolding work before us. I miss that sense of intuition, that sense of intimacy, especially related to creative facilities that now have grown dormant in me.

It's not so much that I miss her specifically, but I miss feeling *known* in that way, and knowing someone else so well, too. The lack of that can sometimes make me feel like the loneliest boy in the world. Hoping to someday find it again.

I constantly watch this show about connections between visionaries, and I yearn to be one myself someday. I wish to have all of this self exploration, all of my unbridled passion lead me somewhere fruitful and altruistic. And more than that, I hope that it connects me to other like minds, where we can 'tune in' to this higher, more mindful narrative. I crave that more than anything. And times like now, it is what I miss the most. Not the warm body beside me, or the carnal instincts, but that unspoken language where I felt most understood despite the silence and the gaps.

I want to understand someone like that again. I want to be understood.

AOM: 30 Days... Day 3 – Mentos

Or, is that Minotaur? Nope, I guess it's spelled M-E-N-T-O-R. Ooooooh, right. That slightly outdated word that is used in casual conversation just about as much as people actually seek out mentors these days. (Less frequently than they seek out Mentos candies from their purses or glove compartments. But I digress...)



(I did a search for images of mentor, and this one came up. How fucking creepy is this? More like an image for registering sex offenders. Great way to start this post. What were these people thinking?)

Anyway.

The third assignment from The Art of Manliness is finding a mentor. Seems easy enough, doesn't it? Well, until I really started to think about it. I mean, sure, there are a lot of people that I respect and admire, but how many of those would I truly feel comfortable approaching for such a task? It's kind of weird to cozy up to some guy and ask if he could be my role model. It sounds like the 'plot' to some gay porn flick. (Not that I would even know what those are like... um.)

Here's the description from the The Art of Manliness website while I weigh my options:

http://artofmanliness.com/2009/06/02/30-days-to-a-better-man-day-3-find-a-mentor/

A few months ago we wrote about the importance of a mentor in a man’s life. Figuring out what it means to be a man can be tough. And it’s arguably tougher for men today, who are often more socially isolated, don’t have as many friends, and don’t have strong relationships with their fathers and other male relatives. It’s therefore more important than ever for every man to seek out mentors to help him navigate the complicated waters of manliness and life.

Mentors have the experience and wisdom to give us sound guidance, direction, and advice. Mentors can also help us expand our point of view on a particular area of our life. Moreover, a mentor can become a good friend and confidant during times when we struggle and falter...

And I'm back! Sadly, I'm still not much closer to concluding which three people I should ask to be my mentor. I guess I should break it down into three facets of my life that I think could use some assistance.

Financial Investments/Portfolios: For this I think I will ask my father for some ongoing, structured advice. That guy is chock full of financial info about how to invest my money. He even recently offered to try to set me up with my own portfolio to help me get started. Seems like a good place to begin.

Entrepreneur: Since I do small business consulting, I tend to work with a lot of entrepreneurs, and help folks manage their growing businesses. It's been a great way to gain experiential knowledge, but also leaves me wanting to work with some big fish. I have to think about this a little longer. (Does it hafta be a guy?)

General "guy-ness"/Relationships/Dating: I think two people come to mind for this. My friend's husband "Mike," who has been offering me advice (third person) for a few weeks now, which has been pretty sound, wise stuff. And also perhaps my gay photographer friend, who is basically the Mack Daddy. He is so smooth, like a wittier, snarkier, blonde version of Don Draper.

Now, I have 24 hours to contact these people and ask them to help a brother out. Ooof, like a bad chain letter. Fun times. I have to admit, I didn't really shine any shoes yesterday, since I was sort of busy, and the two pairs of shoes I donned for the day just happened to be suede and oiled leather, so polishing was applicable. But I really want to follow through with this task. Honestly, it was the one assignment that really piqued my interest, and made me want to give this 30 Days thing a shot.

Okay, I'll ask them. (Does that make me a better man? How long does it take for this stuff to kick in?)

Natural Selection

I dunno. Maybe I just wasn't sposta breed.

Daddy's Little Girl

Yep, you guessed it: That was me as a wee child. You can see it in the eyes. Actually, I'm still about the same height, and sadly have the same hat size, just my feet got bigger, and my hair turned darker. (And gray. Wah wah wah...) But seriously, I haven't been able to wear Mary Janes since. (Phew!)

In my last post I talked about my father bonding with me over shoe polishing. It's strange to think about in retrospect because he never taught my brother those kinds of skills. When my brother was younger, they built a soap box derby car from scratch together, which was excited to witness. And when my brother was in high school they got into cycling together.

But as I was growing up my father took a different course of action with me. He decided to teach me skills like shining my own shoes, how to change the oil in my car, and how to change my car's sparkplugs. (None of which I have used since, but – it was a nice gesture. And also none of which my dad ever uses, as he's not a grease monkey. He was a Junior Vice President at Aetna Insurance, in charge of main frame computer data storage mechanisms. Ya, not a grease monkey...)

It's a little funny to think about a dad being excited to share this with his little girl, and not his son. Strange. Maybe he already had an inkling about my fate.

AOM: 30 Days... Day 2

Today's Art of Manliness – 30 Days to a Better Man's Assignment is to Shine Your Shoes. Huh, really???

http://artofmanliness.com/2009/06/01/30-days-to-a-better-man-day-2-shine-your-shoes/

There’s a lot of sage wisdom to be found in the film Shawshank Redemption. But there is one detail the movie got wrong: people do notice your shoes (especially women). And while it’s true that people don’t spend an awful lot of time staring at your shoes, you’d be surprised at how often you look at your own feet. And when you look down and can practically see your reflection in your shoes, it gives you a sense of satisfaction, a boost in you confidence, and some added pep in your step. Too many men put on a nice pair of dress pants and a freshly pressed shirt, but then ruin the whole get-up with scuffed shoes. A pair of glassy, shined shoes will pull your whole appearance together.

So your task today is to shine your shoes. Get out every pair of dress shoes that you own and get them all into ship shape condition. You never know when you’re going to need to don a pair, and the last thing you want to do is be ready to run at the door to an important meeting and realize that your shoes are in no condition to meet the public. Having a closet full of shined shoes ensures that you are ready for any occasion, at the drop of a hat. Plus, shining your shoes is the kind of quiet, repetitive activity that will calm your mind and soothe your stress.

To get started on today’s task, check out our post on “How to Shine Your Shoes Like a Soldier.”

My dad taught me how to "spit shine" shoes (using water, and alcohol – not real saliva, my OCD would never allow for that!!!) when I was a little kid. He'd take one shoe, and I'd take the other, and he'd teach me step by step how to complete the process.

The only down side was that he'd been polishing shoes since he was a kid, as his dad had served in the military. I was like 8 years old, while he had 30 years experience over me. Often times, my share of the pair never turned out quite so shiny. Made all the more noticeable when said shoes were worn in alignment. Ugh...

So, today I will shine my own shoes all by myself. And hopefully walk into my future with evenly shined shoes.

AOM: 30 Days... Core Vidal

I mean, Core Values... Yes, synching (or is that sinking) to the last post, I want to focus on being a better person. And since my new favorite website (The Art of Manliness) has a specified program to be a better man, hells bells, I'm all in...

http://artofmanliness.com/2009/05/31/30-days-to-a-better-man-day-1-define-your-core-values/

Would you care to join me? If so, here's an excerpt from the first assignment in the series:

When I look at photos of men from my grandfather’s and even my dad’s generation, I can see a sense of purpose in the eyes of those men. Yet when I look at men today, I often don’t sense that kind of steely focus. Instead, I see dudes who are just sort of drifting along whichever way life pulls them.

I’ve heard a lot of men my age complain of a sense of shiftless. They don’t have the drive, purpose, and ambition that our forbearers had, and they feel adrift...

The Importance of Clearly Defining Your Core Values

Defining our values gives us purpose. When you don’t know or you haven’t clearly defined your values, you end up drifting along in life. Instead of basing your decisions on an internal compass, you make choices based on circumstances and social pressures. You end up trying to fulfill other people’s expectations instead of your own. And before you know it, life has passed you by and you haven’t even started to live. Trying to be someone else and living without core values is down right exhausting and leaves you feeling empty and shiftless. Conversely, living a life in line with your core values brings purpose, direction, happiness, and wholeness...

How to Discover Your Values

Your task for Day 1 of our 30 Days to a Better Man Project is to discover, clearly define, and write down your core values. Before we begin, let’s be clear that we’re not trying to define goals here. Goals are specific actions, like “becoming financially independent by age 30″ or “asking my girlfriend to marry me this June.” What we are looking for are values: the ideas that you esteem to be of great worth and that give structure to your life...

Okay, here's my stab at it:

1. PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT: To always strive for self-improvement. To intentionally seek out experiences, relationships, moments of reflection, arenas of critique, all leading me to take active steps to constantly better myself. (I don't need this stinking "30 Days" crap! jk~)

2. STABILITY: Living in a way that promotes more balance and stability in my life, in all facets. (Emotional stability, overall health and wellness, financial stability, career-wise, more balance between work and play, more faith and patience when it comes to love, romance, my general development, etc.) (((this sounds a bit more goal oriented. damn it!)))

3. CONNECTIONS: Create a legacy of compassion while connecting to humanity – do my utmost to understand individuals at the most basic levels, and try to forge connections amongst various people to help us not feel so alone and alienated in this often overwhelming existence. (To work in fields that have a positive impact on the world, make me feel inspired and fulfilled, while helping others in some way.)

4. PARTNERSHIP: To prepare myself in every way imaginable to be a good, stable, healthy, mindful, loving, funny, intuitive partner. To be patient and compassionate, first and foremost, and to be open to love, and all that it can teach me in every incarnation. To find someone who shares my deeply rooted belief in negotiation and allegiance – someone who is a team player, willing to invest in and with me.

5. INTEGRITY: To live in a way that helps me find my voice – my place in the world, what makes me unique, my perspective different from others' – and to muster the energy to offer it up to humanity. To share my voice in the most humble, yet courageous and open way, and to live with candor and integrity to create real change in the world, from my modest corner...

Does that count? Man, I'm tuckered out... What did YOU say????

The Art of Manliness

While surfing the interweb the other day, I stumbled upon my new favorite website. It's called The Art of Manliness, and... it's amazing. It has all of these interesting angles, and compelling missives. PLUS, is it chock full of vintage illustrations and old timey photographs of men sporting handlebar moustaches – so you know they had me at "hello."

http://artofmanliness.com/

One of the things that I appreciate most about this project is that it covers all the bases, from inspiring historic manly figures, the best buddy films of all times, to skin care, and instructive 'how to's' for becoming a better man.

It's this last one that I want to highlight, and feature in my own ventures. There is a guide on this website called "30 Days to a Better Man," that seems pretty intriguing. This series gives the readers (and prospective participants) a structured format to explore daily, and even a forum to share their collective experiences with other participants. Interesting stuff.

Here is the link to "30 Days..." Check it out if you have some time.

http://artofmanliness.com/2009/05/31/30-days-to-a-better-man-day-1-define-your-core-values/


I'm not so sure I'm that good at being manly, but I am sure that I wanna be better... At just about anything. So I'll give this a shot.

NEXT POST: "30 DAYS TO A BETTER MAN – CORE VALUES" and we're up.

Obamanos

Okay, this may be a total stretch, but what the hell...

I was talking to a friend the other day about her recent ex, and she was going off about how he never had her back, and could never follow through with anything. It ranged from simple things around the house, to more emotional support that she felt was lacking in their union. I got to thinking...

People have been criticizing President Obama in the media as of late because of his soft approach to the health care issue. People on the left are saying that if he wanted dramatic changes that he should have started off in a more extreme stance to then negotiate down to a more moderate consensus. Others are saying had he done so, the folks on the right would have shot him down completely, and perhaps no progress would have been made at all.

As I step back, I reflect more deeply on these criticisms, having studied Conflict Resolution in college, focusing on mediation and negotiation. In part, I think some of the reasons many of us voted for Obama was the fact that he was a team player. He projected an sense of reserved self confidence, and an openness to listening to the other facets of any conversation. Nothing seemed to bug this guy. He was unshakable. (He was like the father I always wished I had, never mind the Presidential post.)

But looking closer, I think many of us felt like Obama had our backs, not only as a semi-divided nation, but also intrinsically on the individual levels – like he really wanted each and every one of us to be safe, content, and healthy. Man, I like that guy. But then when it came to health care, people we slamming him that he wasn't tough enough on the opposition, and that he would lose his footing if he didn't step up. They claimed that he needed to be more "ballsey." And I started to see some of the newlywed phase wearing off.

Obama didn't disappoint me, as I studied negotiation, and I understood why he took that path. But when seeing it as a metaphor, I think others believed that he started to cower or pander to the extreme right. In short, I think people feared that he wouldn't have our backs if it came down to it.

And here's the stretch, so bare with me:

I think we had a sort of collective romance with Obama. We, as a country, wanted him to be that idealized boyfriend, that was paternal at times, fraternal at other times, funny, loving and tender, but who ultimately listened to us, protected us, and got stuff done around our metaphorical houses.

We wanted someone who was brave and mindful, who would inspire us to find our own sense of courage in our modest, little lives. And I think that some people felt let down, that our nationalistic boyfriend let the bullies talk smack without a sufficient crack down. People complained that he was being "too nice" and allowed himself to be pushed around by conservatives with their agendas of attack. Food for thought.

All of this to say, I think I am learning more about what people want in a leader, and in a partner by watching how all of this plays out. It's like when Gore lost the public opinion when he sighed at the idiocy displayed by Bush in that one informal debate. Housewives didn't want yet another annoyed man being impatient, while they seemed perfectly used to being surrounded by dumb guys who didn't make any sense.

It's like the political arena is the ultimate reality dating show. I see now why it takes such a precedence.

Number two

Heh, yes... Insert sophomoric potty jokes here ____.

Tonight is supposed to be my second date with that woman that I mentioned before. Everyone and their mother keep telling me that I need to out myself as trans over drinks tonight. (What is the best approach for this kind of convo? No, seriously...)

Again, everyone keeps mentioning that no matter what, it will be good practice. "If you find out you're not that into this woman, then no harm done. Chalk it up to more practice. Or if you are into her, and she freaks out, then you know early enough on, so you won't get hurt down the line. You never know, maybe she'll be great, and you'll both be good to go." Trying to do the math in my head. What other possible combinations can there be?

My bff gave me some advice yesterday, and shared her own experiences to help me through. She is a single mom with two kids, and had similar dilemmas about when to share her backstory when people caught her interest.

"I had this rule that if someone said more than 5 sentences to me, then I had to tell them I have kids." Sometimes, the 4th and 5 sentences were more like: "Um, excuse me. Can you tell me where the bath room is?" and I tried to get her to edit her confessional stance to only be applied when she truly clicked with someone. But I got her point.

We all have stuff that we feel like we might need to fess up at one time or another. These elements that make us feel more vulnerable than we'd care to admit keep coming to the surface. Mine happens to be that I'm trans. For my bff, it was that she has kids. We all have baggage, I think what matters is how we travel with it, and how well our baggage goes with someone else's. (Like her Louis Vuitton with my scrappy messenger bag. Well, not quite so literally...)

But, I'll be okay, right? Here's hoping that it's not a totally craptastic date, if I fuck up the intro. Cross yer fingers for me, eh?

Ratz

So, I'm supposed to have a second date tonight, and I'm not quite feeling in the zone. I'm fine, everything is fine, but I just feel somewhat off my game. Not that ever had game, and maybe that's my problem. I'm tired. I had a horribly busy weekend with work, that drifted into the work week, and now I'm just exhausted, and feeling like I'll be a bore. Fun times. (Not aided by the fact that a friend of mine just got dumped by her boyfriend, another friend is fighting with her ex, and a third friend hasn't been hearing from the guy she's been seeing. Man alive – is Venus in retrograde, er sumthin'?)

When I think about dating, it dawns on me that I have no clue how this works. I tried to give myself small challenges, like "make more eye contact," and "engage in a conversation when someone talks to me." Which is all well and good, until I started stepping it up. "Ask the hott girl out," seemed like a good idea at the time. It was "good practice," everyone kept saying. But now that she's said yes to not one, but two dates, I am feeling a bit stumped. I have ideas of where to go, and can chat up anyone once I get over my paralyzing shyness. Those things aren't the problem.

I simply don't know the dance – the tiny gestures to keep things afloat. I haven't thought about what was going to happen beyond asking someone out. And there is an inherent responsibility for which I wasn't prepared. This notion that you have to consider every action and reaction. It didn't feel as pressing before my transition. But now, every text I send, every joke I try to make – I sense they are being scrutinized for insights and reflections into my soul. How scary is that? Jokes that female friends have told me, if repeated, might make me seem like some douchey dude now. If I take too long in getting back to a text or an email, it may make me seem disinterested, or difficult. I think about all of my female friends that have turned to me to analyze their beau's communications, and I see it in such a different light now.

There is an innate pressure being on this side of the gender divide that I never could have anticipated. I am not trying to say: "Oh, it's so tough being a guy, feel sorry for us!" But everything carries such weight. I fear that I'm not given the benefit of the doubt, like when my bff calls while having a bad day while I'm in the middle of texting with the aforementioned gal of interest. There is no way for her to know that I may have received a call, but tones then change, and I feel like I missed the boat. There is so much pretext, and I am clueless.

I want to get it right, I want to learn it all so quickly. It feels like such a mess, like there is no way to learn gracefully in the moment. It reminds me of that scene in The 40 Year Old Virgin when his guy friends are telling the main character to go date a bunch of "hood rats" to learn how to have sex. Their thesis was that there is no way for him to be good at first, so he should 'practice' (there's that word again) on people he doesn't care about, to hopefully improve his skillz by the time he'd want to make a move on the "hott granny," played by Catherine Keener.

So, what you're saying is: I need some metaphorical lab rats dating-wise. Hood rats, whatever... Not for the sex part, but for the pretext part – of all of the asking and telling, the outing myself as being trans, all of it. Guh! How the fuck does this work? It feels like shit knowing that I am going to be bad at something, and still having to go through it anyway, as a learning experience. For fuck's sake! I don't want to be bad at something. Worse yet, I don't want to be bad for the other person's sake, either! I don't want them thinking how lame I am, but moreso, I don't want to waste their time on someone as bumbling as I am right now. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS?

I think most people are used to going out on a few dates, and sort of sizing people up, if they are interested in hanging out more. For me, all of my relationships started off as friendships that started to become so intense, that there was no choice but to date and try to work it out. There was no formal date request, since the majority of my exes were straight women, and just initially thought of me as one of their other female friends. So, going out to dinner and such didn't have the same gravity back then as it might now, when I ask a straight woman out for drinks or for dinner. Weird. Back then, with the foundation of friendship first, it took a lot of the formality out of things, and when we became romantically linked, it felt like we sort of started in the middle of things. It's becoming ridiculously obvious to me that I have no clue how to do the 'beginning' stages of this stuff.

I don't know how to be the man, and I think it shows. I fear that it crosses me off the list, when people see that I'm not going through the 'correct' routine procedures date-wise. Date two coming up, and I'm already stepping all over myself. Awesome!

I'll let you know how it goes... Sigh~