Missing in-action

Hey there, sorry that I've been kind of MIA on our asses. The truth is, I've been swamped with work, and needing to sort of stay out of my head. I have a tendency to over think things, and with so many conversations about what I've been posting on "this here blog" – it's been somewhat intense. Great, but also nice to not have to think about what to say for a few days. A nice blog-cation. (Ok, that doesn't work. Guess I'm rusty now. Grrr.)

After a few days of gardening like mad, hiking with my dog in the 'quiet' part of town, and wasting endless amounts of time looking for new shoes and new jackets (since my shoulders have outgrown many coats from previous seasons... Ugh!), I'm feeling a little more energized and ready for my 'come back!'

Egh, maybe.

As I was scanning through afternoon radio, bored with all of the countless cds in my car, I stumbled upon some list the female side kick was reading on Ryan Seacrest's show. It was a list of things that women find attractive in men, so of course I stopped scanning to tune in immediately. It went as follows:

1. Scars: Women think scars are sexy because they project an air of courage. (How do you spell that version of "air?") I've got scars. Can we pretend that they make me more attractive???

2. Plants: Women think plants are a sign that men are nurturing and can take care of bidniz. (Unless they are dying or dead. Or are Venus Flytraps and each hamburgers that the dude has left over on his kitchen counter. Not sexy.)

3. Sweat: Women think that sweat is sexy. I assume they mean within reason, like a woman craves the scent of her boyfriend's pheromones, and not like the creepy greasy pit stained guy at the water cooler at 11:00 am.

4. Glasses: Women think specs are a sign of intelligence. (I started wearing glasses in elementary school, soon after I accidentally looked at the sun through high powered binoculars, while looking for the moon. Glasses on me = the lack of intelligence in third grade. Wah wah wah... But, shhhh – don't tell anyone, if the result of my stupidity makes me look hotter now that I'm in my mid-thirties.)

5. Gray hair: Women think this is a sign of maturity and elegance. Hott damn! Maybe I've got a shot after all, with all of this gray coming in at the temples.

Now if only thinning hair, dyslexia, and a newly emerging cookie gut (as my vice is a mean salty oat cookie, and not beer) were seen as attractive, too, then maybe I could be the perfect man. I've got scars, house plants AND a front and back garden, I can sweat like the best of them (they don't call these "hot flashes" for nuthin!), I have bad vision, which somehow makes me look smarter (supposidely), and I'm going gray. Five for five!

That's right, ladies... So what if I'm basically a tall dwarf, with a hipster combover, who usta be a chick... Those don't detract *that much* from this list of desirables, do they?

I rest my case. (Only out of exhaustion and boredom.) It was nice to think that I may have a chance, tho.