The Men I Admire...

You'll have to excuse this pic. It was next to impossible to find a plausible image to represent admiration. I think this is a trophy figurine for swimming, but I'm not sure. Don't worry, this won't be a post all about the romanticism of aquatics.

Lately I have been mulling things over a lot. I've been contemplating this concept of masculinity, and wondering what it was exactly that made me want to transition. Was it that I wanted to be a man, or that I felt like I wasn't a woman, and then by default had to the 'the other' one? For me, I think it was the latter choice. So, it's often difficult for me to say that "I'm a man" now. "Transguy" is fine, "guy" is fine – but "man" is still tough for me. There are so many connotations about men and masculinity, how can I say that it fits me? And with so many of those connotations being not so great, it would be challenging to voluntarily assert those monikers as my own. What's a (trans-)boy to do?

I wanted to transition because I didn't feel like a woman, or a lesbian, despite my female body, and the fact that I dated women. When I thought about transitioning, I embraced the idea of being in between the two poles, as I think more of us are in between than we can count in demographic studies. And I don't only mean trans folks... I think gender is more of a spectrum, but when we only label the *end points* of that spectrum, and recognize only two options with check boxes on official forms, whatever is in between doesn't seem to really count. I'm all about middles. This is no different.

So, if I have to check some box on some federal document, I'd have to go with the masculine one. But is that based on my deeper voice, my scruffy chin, my broadened shoudlers, my whispy hair on my surgically altered chest – are those factors what make me a man in this society? Oprah has talked about finding straggley chest hairs from time to time, or chin hairs – and she's no man. Ethel Merman had a deep, booming voice, and she was still clearly deemed a woman in Hollywood. Obviously it's a bit more complicated than just signs and tones.

That said, I started to notice almost a sense of guilt that I wanted to be recognized as a guy. I didn't want to buck the system, and acquire any of the potential advantages of being a guy in this society, I simply wanted to shed the feminine shell that never quite seemed to fit me. Like that ill-fitting hand knitted sweater some distant aunt gave that you'd have to dawn for holiday visits. "When can I take this thing off, already???"

Now that I am assumed to be a guy because of all of the markers and cue mentioned above, I feel both relieved to have stepped out of the feminine body that never felt like mine, and also like I want to assert my identity as a trans-guy, and not just a biologically born male. If being a trans-guy is an identity that I can *choose,* than I also want to *choose* which elements from the spectrum of masculinity and femininity I embrace and celebrate in this new life of mine.

As I have mentioned before, "choosing" masculinity" has been a very conflicted endeavor for me, as some have said that it implies that I am a misogynist (to abandon my feminist sisters), or a chauvinist, wanting to confirm that there is only a gender binary. It's sad that my trans status can be reduced to those assumptions. But looking closer, trying to see beyond my knee jerk reactions of guilt and shame I see something larger emerging: the backlash against men and masculinity on the whole in this culture. Witnessing so many men abuse the power bestowed on them, and acting in dehumanizing ways, it's easy to understand where this backlash began. Those power hungry men, war mongers, and dictators make it easy to hate that thread of male-ness. But clearly, that is not all there is to masculinity. Seeing people like President Obama take center stage marks that hopeful shift that although "all men are created equal," they don't all act the same way.

ENTER: The Men I Admire Series

While rummaging through my mind for potential mentors (linked to an older post), I felt a bit woosey. It's tough to think about the men I admire, and having to go through the awkward and intimidating process of asking them if they'll step into an ongoing role of being my idol. Um, not so much. Butterflies aside, I had to come up with something worthy of this mentorship program suggested by The Art of Manliness, but something with less of a time commitment on the side of the inspiring guys I hope to emulate some day. An idea struck me.

I want to start a series on this blog called Men I Admire. Simple enough. I want it to be a weekly series featuring men that have impressed me in some significant way. Some of these men are incredible entrepreneurs, business men, writers, artists, musicians, fathers, have followed their dreams, or have inspired mine. I will interview these guys via email, so I can directly post excerpts from our exchanges.

When I think about my background in so many diverse fields, the one element that I loved from of all the jobs and experiences that I've had was the chance to talk to people in a meaningful and expansive way. I'm one of those dorks who loves documentaries and biographies to understand more about the human condition. Maybe these explorations will only be interesting to me, who knows. And maybe I am straying too far from my initial intention of writing about dating and relationships, but I can imagine it will all come together, as in my mind, everything is interconnected. (Is that just my laziness and proclivity to bullshitting? egh? Perhaps.)

It is my hope to highlight men worthy of admiration, and remind us as a culture, a society, that not all men are the awful guys we see greedily embezzling, calling for torture of innocent people, or instilling a sense of shame over the umbrella of masculinity. Some are really good guys trying to be the change they wish to see in the world. Those are the folks that I want to showcase here. Those are the people that I hope can inspire us all!

So, be on the look out for this new series, coming to a monitor near you!