I was re-reading that issue of Esquire Magazine from a few months back – the one all about Manhood, trying to see how other people define 'manliness.' I have to admit that I feel quite conflicted about this term, and all that encapsulates. I caught some flack from my feminist friends, as they believed I was fleeing the herd when I decided to transition. (Shit, am I going to get in trouble for referring to a group of women as a 'herd?' Ugh. I can't win!) And I also took some heat from my other trans/queer friends for not being 'gender-queer' enough, as I seemed to blend in too easily with the 'hetero-normative' crowd. (I have been criticized for not hanging out with 'enough' queer people, and for using my trans status to pass as yet another straight white middle class man. It gets tricky...)
So, I was thinking more about it. Reading more about it. Then thinking some more.
One article I read mentioned this idea that to be manly, one needs to "fix things." Whether these things are literal incarnations, such as a leaky faucet, a squeaky door, or more metaphorical spins like 'world peace,' or being the 'bread winner.' And I thought about my own upbringing, and how this role of "Mr. Fix It" fits in...
I was born in 1975, and was raised during the late 70s and 80s, watching America shift along with the Feminist Movement. TV shows like Maude, and The Mary Tyler Moore Show, depicted strong women wanting men, but wanting to assert their equality with them. Seems easy enough. But I also remember all of the jokes from sitcoms about women being unsure if they should allow men to hold the door open for them, or to pay for every date. Was that chauvinistic condescension, or just good manners? Fine line...
It figures that my generation is the product of those conflicted messages. We grew up believing that we could be anything we wanted to be – even equal. That was the easy part. But the part that so many of my female friends seem to trip on is when they meet an old school dude, who seemed to have missed the 70s liberation movement altogether. And I wonder where I fit in to the mix.
My parents are super old school – my mother is an elementary school teacher, and my dad was an executive at an insurance company. They were high school sweethearts from a Boston suburb, who then moved to Connecticut to start a better life after they got married. My father was relatively handy around the house, and often preferred to do most of the fix it work himself. The problem was that he did not have an exacting personality, which drove my mother crazy. (Understandably!) So, I grew up with my dad building and repairing all this 'stuff,' and my mother having to nag him to finish, or re-finish what was left imperfect.
I think about myself, and see much of this upbringing infused in my own psyche. My first instinct is to tackle issues myself. (Yes, I did study Conflict Resolution in college, but here I mean more along the lines of carpentry, and household necessities.) But more like my mother, I have gotten better with finishing projects with more precision than my father would have. And I think about how this translates into the modern world.
Does it make me more 'manly' because I am good with tools, and am crafty enough to know how to use them around the house? Would I be less manly if I didn't know how to use them? Is that all it takes is a circular saw or meandering drill bit to fit the bill?
On many lists of what women find attractive in men is the quality of the "resolver." They want to know that their man will be on their side and fix things that need tending. Even more than that, they would love a man who could prevent things from breaking in the first place. Again, this resides in both the literal and figurative stances.
And one more time, I think about myself – my upbringing, and my own persona. Yes, I want to be that resolver, but the reality is that I was socialized as a girl growing up. A girl in the late 1970s-80s with all of those clashing political commentaries that we covered before. Honestly, there is a part of me that still wants my knight in shining armor to fix things for me, too, as I would fix things for her. I just want that knight to be a hott chick on a horse, who knows how to weld, poach the perfect salmon, and can keep a ficus tree alive. (Is that so much to ask???)
The last woman I dated was a sculptor, and unknowingly wooed me by talk of all of her various projects. Not just her art making process, but when she singlehandedly hung shelving units and these amazing wooden cubbies in her new apartment and studio space – I was in love... Hubba hubba!
But I think the problem with that relationship was that I wasn't yet ready to step up and be more resolved in general. I felt a little too 'flimsy' with regard to my own wellness and stability, and I see now how that affected the relationship. There was a part of me that was too anxious and unsure about this new life of mine, and all that it meant post transition, in addition to all of the more practical concerns like my career and finances. (I had gotten laid off from one of my small business contracts, which had impacted my salary, which them delayed me from paying off my debt incurred from my 'top surgery' and car repairs for my money pit of an Audi. On and on...) That kind of general anxiety of mine wore away the fibers of intimacy.
I didn't want her to save me or rescue me, but I wanted our connection to be the one solid thing that could help me ride the tides of these other uncertainties. It was unfair to think like that, and ended up extinguishing the fire that we hoped could be there for years to come. Sad, indeed.
Since then, I have come to realize a lot of things:
1. I need to be my own Mr. Fix It. I decided to do several things to reduce my anxiety: I started to resume my higher doses of testosterone again (hello serenity and confidence, goodbye gorgeous hair). I also decided to go on anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds, since it is something I have struggled with all of my life. (Remind me to tell you of all of the head injuries I have had. When I told my last doctor, he literally exclaimed: "It's amazing you can hold down a job, or have any relationships with that history!" Amazing!) I have been trying to get more exercise to raise endorphins, and work off that nervous energy in a positive way. And I have writing everyday to try to exorcise some of these demons pent up inside. Luckily it's via the interweb, so you don't hafta worry about the split pea soup splatter as you read my blog mid-exorcism...
2. I decided to go on more dates. It's tough to imagine finding 'the one' anymore, after thinking I found her, and feeling too unresolved in my own life to make it work. But I've realized that they only way to learn is by doing. (Insert Dewey-ian principles here ___. I did go to Bennington for god's sake. And no, by "doing" I don't mean sex. Pervert!) I can just let myself be where I am, and meet other folks here, along the way. It's all a part of this learning process, to hear other people's stories, which help me reflect on my own.
3. To have more confidence, and to cut the tethers that formerly bound me to thinking I was 'lesser than...' Part of wanting someone else to fix things for me was rooted in thinking that I was incapable of fixing it myself. Now that I feel more calm, more grounded, more resilient and stable overall, I see that I can handle anything that comes my way. And that if I've made a misstep, I can trust myself to get back on the more productive course soon enough. It has eliminated a lot of the shame that I felt in the past about being the "fuck up." I can do this... I really can.
When I talk about my transition not being only about gender, this is what I mean. It's not that I have 'become' a man, and therefore feel more capable. Or that now that I am received in the world as a man I get more advantages. For me, it has been about facing those demons, and making the best of whatever is left beyond that, man or not. I've been trying to forgive myself for some of my past mistakes and sloppiness, and muster enough faith so that I can learn and move on, from a more informed place. If that place happens to be more masculine, it's probably just coincidental.
Even if I don't have all of the answers now, I will create them along the way. It's really okay. I'm really okay. And isn't that what we really want? Whether we fix things or someone else does, we just want to know that we are really going to be okay in the end. (And by end, I don't mean the butt. Jeez. You people...)
So, I was thinking more about it. Reading more about it. Then thinking some more.
One article I read mentioned this idea that to be manly, one needs to "fix things." Whether these things are literal incarnations, such as a leaky faucet, a squeaky door, or more metaphorical spins like 'world peace,' or being the 'bread winner.' And I thought about my own upbringing, and how this role of "Mr. Fix It" fits in...
I was born in 1975, and was raised during the late 70s and 80s, watching America shift along with the Feminist Movement. TV shows like Maude, and The Mary Tyler Moore Show, depicted strong women wanting men, but wanting to assert their equality with them. Seems easy enough. But I also remember all of the jokes from sitcoms about women being unsure if they should allow men to hold the door open for them, or to pay for every date. Was that chauvinistic condescension, or just good manners? Fine line...
It figures that my generation is the product of those conflicted messages. We grew up believing that we could be anything we wanted to be – even equal. That was the easy part. But the part that so many of my female friends seem to trip on is when they meet an old school dude, who seemed to have missed the 70s liberation movement altogether. And I wonder where I fit in to the mix.
My parents are super old school – my mother is an elementary school teacher, and my dad was an executive at an insurance company. They were high school sweethearts from a Boston suburb, who then moved to Connecticut to start a better life after they got married. My father was relatively handy around the house, and often preferred to do most of the fix it work himself. The problem was that he did not have an exacting personality, which drove my mother crazy. (Understandably!) So, I grew up with my dad building and repairing all this 'stuff,' and my mother having to nag him to finish, or re-finish what was left imperfect.
I think about myself, and see much of this upbringing infused in my own psyche. My first instinct is to tackle issues myself. (Yes, I did study Conflict Resolution in college, but here I mean more along the lines of carpentry, and household necessities.) But more like my mother, I have gotten better with finishing projects with more precision than my father would have. And I think about how this translates into the modern world.
Does it make me more 'manly' because I am good with tools, and am crafty enough to know how to use them around the house? Would I be less manly if I didn't know how to use them? Is that all it takes is a circular saw or meandering drill bit to fit the bill?
On many lists of what women find attractive in men is the quality of the "resolver." They want to know that their man will be on their side and fix things that need tending. Even more than that, they would love a man who could prevent things from breaking in the first place. Again, this resides in both the literal and figurative stances.
And one more time, I think about myself – my upbringing, and my own persona. Yes, I want to be that resolver, but the reality is that I was socialized as a girl growing up. A girl in the late 1970s-80s with all of those clashing political commentaries that we covered before. Honestly, there is a part of me that still wants my knight in shining armor to fix things for me, too, as I would fix things for her. I just want that knight to be a hott chick on a horse, who knows how to weld, poach the perfect salmon, and can keep a ficus tree alive. (Is that so much to ask???)
The last woman I dated was a sculptor, and unknowingly wooed me by talk of all of her various projects. Not just her art making process, but when she singlehandedly hung shelving units and these amazing wooden cubbies in her new apartment and studio space – I was in love... Hubba hubba!
But I think the problem with that relationship was that I wasn't yet ready to step up and be more resolved in general. I felt a little too 'flimsy' with regard to my own wellness and stability, and I see now how that affected the relationship. There was a part of me that was too anxious and unsure about this new life of mine, and all that it meant post transition, in addition to all of the more practical concerns like my career and finances. (I had gotten laid off from one of my small business contracts, which had impacted my salary, which them delayed me from paying off my debt incurred from my 'top surgery' and car repairs for my money pit of an Audi. On and on...) That kind of general anxiety of mine wore away the fibers of intimacy.
I didn't want her to save me or rescue me, but I wanted our connection to be the one solid thing that could help me ride the tides of these other uncertainties. It was unfair to think like that, and ended up extinguishing the fire that we hoped could be there for years to come. Sad, indeed.
Since then, I have come to realize a lot of things:
1. I need to be my own Mr. Fix It. I decided to do several things to reduce my anxiety: I started to resume my higher doses of testosterone again (hello serenity and confidence, goodbye gorgeous hair). I also decided to go on anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds, since it is something I have struggled with all of my life. (Remind me to tell you of all of the head injuries I have had. When I told my last doctor, he literally exclaimed: "It's amazing you can hold down a job, or have any relationships with that history!" Amazing!) I have been trying to get more exercise to raise endorphins, and work off that nervous energy in a positive way. And I have writing everyday to try to exorcise some of these demons pent up inside. Luckily it's via the interweb, so you don't hafta worry about the split pea soup splatter as you read my blog mid-exorcism...
2. I decided to go on more dates. It's tough to imagine finding 'the one' anymore, after thinking I found her, and feeling too unresolved in my own life to make it work. But I've realized that they only way to learn is by doing. (Insert Dewey-ian principles here ___. I did go to Bennington for god's sake. And no, by "doing" I don't mean sex. Pervert!) I can just let myself be where I am, and meet other folks here, along the way. It's all a part of this learning process, to hear other people's stories, which help me reflect on my own.
3. To have more confidence, and to cut the tethers that formerly bound me to thinking I was 'lesser than...' Part of wanting someone else to fix things for me was rooted in thinking that I was incapable of fixing it myself. Now that I feel more calm, more grounded, more resilient and stable overall, I see that I can handle anything that comes my way. And that if I've made a misstep, I can trust myself to get back on the more productive course soon enough. It has eliminated a lot of the shame that I felt in the past about being the "fuck up." I can do this... I really can.
When I talk about my transition not being only about gender, this is what I mean. It's not that I have 'become' a man, and therefore feel more capable. Or that now that I am received in the world as a man I get more advantages. For me, it has been about facing those demons, and making the best of whatever is left beyond that, man or not. I've been trying to forgive myself for some of my past mistakes and sloppiness, and muster enough faith so that I can learn and move on, from a more informed place. If that place happens to be more masculine, it's probably just coincidental.
Even if I don't have all of the answers now, I will create them along the way. It's really okay. I'm really okay. And isn't that what we really want? Whether we fix things or someone else does, we just want to know that we are really going to be okay in the end. (And by end, I don't mean the butt. Jeez. You people...)
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