Dog Tired

I haven't been writing as much over the past few days because I have been super tired. I think getting stuck in the rain for a few days in a row took its toll on me. Then I brought my neurotic formerly-abused pit bull to the "special needs" vet in Maryland. She is a behaviorist who spent over three hours with my dog and me to deduce his diagnosis and prognosis. Her recommendation was to put my severely anxious dog on Prozac. Funny...

He was such a champ, even though we nervously paced the office for three hours. The vet was amazingly sweet, and wooed him with treats, and stillness. (This last part makes sense if you've ever met my dog. Oh, Bubba...)

Then in the last 15 minutes of the appointment, the vet warned me that she was going to stand up and come over to me to hand me some paperwork that she needed me to review. We both acknowledged that those kinds of changes can set anxious dogs off – which it did. Arg!

I got this dog when I was in a serious, long term relationship. Both the relationship and the dog itself slowly became more than I could handle, with my ex-partner and this rescue dog having huge mood swings that felt explosive and frightening. In many ways, I am relieved to not be in that relationship anymore, but feel stuck with this dog that I love very much – but one that also restricts so much of my life. I can't imagine giving him up, as I know it would most likely be a death sentence for him, having been abused and being a pit bull, not a great combination.

It's just sad, to know that much of his neuroses and bad reactions are the direct result of humans treating him violently. And now that he is "broken" society blames him, (or his breed). I guess it just hits a little too close to home for me, having been mistreated in my early development, and wishing that I had better reactions to things, as well. It feels like a metaphor, like my dog is my 'mirror character' in the film of my life. It's just tough as this is not the life I would have signed on for if I could choose. So, I'm trying to rectify those deviations, and recalculate my steps to try to make some semblance of a life that I'd like to be living.

Thinking about dating, and somehow I just feel exhausted by the whole idea right now. Left feeling dog tired...

More later, after I get some stuff done, and hopefully a little more refreshed and revived!