Imperfecto

Hello? (echo, echo, echo...) Is there anybody out there? Is there anyone left after my periods of repeated absences (or is that absynthe?) from this blog?

Things have gotten kind of busy for me since I returned from my trek up north, but it's been eerily still in DC, strangely peaceful. I've been hearing church bells chiming at random times, and witnessing spontaneous acts of kindness that are rare in these populated cities. And all of this was even before the Haitian earthquake. My poor brain working overtime to make some sense of it all. Good luck with that!

I've been having all of these intense conversations as of late; some regarding psychological development, friends talking about their old flames who always seemed just beyond reach, and what it means to truly grow up. How does it all work again?

Here I am, struggling to put words to these thoughts that keep circling around in my head. Since my grandmother died I have been thinking a great deal about substance – the marrow of our lives that make them all worth living. My grandmother made it to 99 years, and here I am at 34, wondering what kind of knowledge comes from that much living. I think I have this misconception that since I always think of myself as a "work in progress," at some point I'll hit my stride, achieve perfection, and then can coast from there on out. It probably doesn't really work like that, does it? Perfection is never reached, is it? Well, perfection in the strictest of terms...

It's been great to commiserate with friends to hear that I am not alone in my pondering, and striving towards something resembling goodness. (I'd say "greatness," but it feels very heavy-handed here.) Maybe that's been my problem all along... I want to believe that I am capable of greatness without it sounding too pretentious, or to have my ego get overly inflated.

But I want 2010 to be about settling in to myself – this sense of honestly accessing my strengths, and bringing the weaknesses up to code, so I don't get stuck in self-sabotaging modes. I think in the past, I've been afraid of success, and let myself stall out when amazing opportunities presented themselves to me. Without getting stuck in the trappings of regret, instead – I want to learn to keep moving forward productively. And I want to utilize this blog to push me in directions that will help me stay focused, and set up structures that require follow through and accountability.

I'm ready, 2010 ~ so bring it! (For now, I'm sleepy, and need to get some rest to recharge to launch a few new projects tomorrow. So, keep your eyes peeled! I promise to make it interesting!)