NewMan

So, I've been thinking a lot lately. I guess you could say it's kinda my schtick. (Not to mention that it's often exacerbated when my T levels are down, which they are – since I missed a dose when my grandmother died. Yes, I am saying that higher levels of testosterone actually make me *think* less. Make of it what you will...) But all of this to say, I've been figuring out some things that were leaving me feeling a bit frazzled.

Case in point: I started to understand how new I am to this whole manhood thing. This last relationship I had was my first attempt at love post transitioning. Sure, I was on again off again with another woman for years *while* I transitioned, and hooked up with an ex after that... But this was my first shot at refining the nuances for my version of masculinity. It was my first relationship as "Will," and took a bit more navigating than I anticipated.

Yes, it's easy to say: "Just be yourself! Why would you have to consciously *try* to be a man? Why put on false veneers, and self imposed rhetoric if the masculinity isn't organic?" And of course, I'd know what you mean, but it's complicated. I liken it to one of my good friends who recently became single after a long relationship. She was still herself, this consistent essence of herself, but she had to learn who she was *now* as her life had changed so much. Plus, she had to gain some experiential knowledge of how to approach and engage prospective suitors – a challenging feat after being "coupled" for so long. Ya, it's kinda like that. I am still myself, but have to fine tune the elements that may create the kind of life I want to be living as "Will." (And I promise not to talk about myself in the third person ever again!)

I had spent a long time on my own, hanging out with various women, learning the ropes of what I liked about them, and similarly, what I liked about myself. I listened so intently to their criticisms of former partners, or their romantic mishaps. It all seemed like one gigantic case study to craft the ideal man. Little did I know that not all women want the exact same thing, and that my obsessive study of wants and desires would leave me a tad befuddled at best. So, I'd have to summarize, and use a shot gun approach that might cover more ground, but might also miss the particular target altogether – as shotguns often do. It was risky, but the best I could manage.

When a good friend, whom I adored for years, sort of put the moves on me, I felt shy and reticent to put my theories to practice. I lost my mojo... Much of that shyness and paralysis came from roughly four years of massively crushing out on this gal, and pretty much telling myself that she was the ideal woman. No pressure, right?!??!?!? Guh! And even though I may have flubbed up that first initial night of more focused, intentional flirting, I tried to spin it in an endearing way to still "get the girl..."

What I wasn't expecting was that my intentionally lower doses of T at the time (due to a fear of injecting testosterone after I developed an infection from a shot), not only made me stuck in "paralysis by analysis," but I also was obsessively looking for cues from this lady-friend to see what qualities and attributes she preferred in her men. Theoretically it could have been a home run, but instead, it was like I was rounding the bases with my pants around my ankles (and not in the *fun* way!), tripping myself up the entire route.

I not only wanted to be a man, to be a good man, but I wanted to be the "perfect man" for this friend that I assumed to be the "perfect woman." What she said mattered, perhaps a bit too much when trying to define my own sense and interpretation of masculinity. I yearned to be *her* man, and decipher exactly what I needed to do to get the job, as if it was some "help wanted" sign I saw posted in her bed room window. (((I didn't mean that as dirtily as it sounds!!!))) But I failed to see that all of my cowering and pandering would leave me weakened and exhausted – and ultimately alone. No one wants to be with someone who doesn't know who they are... It's not sexy.

And therein lies my problem: this (gender) "do over" that I've willingly solicited meant that I would have to completely reinvent myself in my 30s, like 100% "complete." My body would change, but in dramatic, shape-shifting ways that one can never predict at the out set. Things like getting beefier and more muscular, losing my girlie curves, my voice dropping like 3 octaves, getting facial hair, chest hair, belly hair (wah wah wah), and acquiring a "male hairline" on my scalp. (Yes, that is code for "losing my hair." Read between the lines, dude!) My patterns of speech and intonation that formerly made me appear like an angry lesbian somehow now made me appear like a swishy fag. (How ironic is that?!?)

But the toughest part was trying to decipher how to be the "hunter" in relationships. As I've said before, I was socialized to be a woman, stereotypically erring more on the side of "people pleaser," rather than aggressor. (Don't worry, I'm not a misogynist! I've dated plenty of aggressive women, so I'm not saying women can't be more assertive!) I wanted to get over my shyness, and woo the pants off this gal. (Um... Figure of speech.) More than anything, I wanted to be the upstanding, charming, commanding, seductive dude to pique -and- sustain her interest. Alpha-central... I just had 32 years of missed opportunities to suddenly make up. Awesome!

After all this time, several years in to my transition, I am still fumbling around to figure out how the fuck to do this stuff! It's like a second puberty in every way. Who the hell is suave during that period of their lives? Certainly not me – either time. How long does this stage last? Shouldn't I be rounding the bend sometime soon? When can I outgrow this phase of being a "new man," and shift right into "old man" status? Arg – you know what I mean!