In with the New...

Hello dear friends,
It's been several days since I last posted something on this here blog, and I've missed writing. Things had gotten somewhat hectic with work, and to be honest, I didn't have the mind-space to write much of late. I think I left off with that friend of mine screwing up royally, and to be honest, that has really been weighing on me. My heart has really been heavy with stress from that situation, and every spare moment has been spent trying to distract myself with a healthier focus. It's been a challenge. Not wanting to write from that place of internalized heaviness, I simply haven't been writing. So, today I return in hopes that writing can once again be my catharsis, and stop putting off what I enjoy doing just because my heart still feels a bit of the sting of remorse and regret. (Not how I wanted to bring in the New Year!)

I have to use this as an opportunity to learn more about myself, and my reactions to things. With every new year comes the flurry of *wishes* we imbibe, praying that we can be more resolute just because we flipped a new date on our calendars and day planners. What if day planners were less about the minutia of literal appointments, and we actually could constructively set a daily course for our own intentional, and hyper-mindful self-improvement? What would that look like, and how would we go about creating that system?

My dear friend from high school and I have been commiserating about the lack of romance in our lives these days, and keep stating that the lack of a solid wingman in our geographical locales makes branching out all the more intimidating. I texted back a snarky response stating that we should "dare each other into the lives we want to be living" in 2010. There are so many elements that we wish we could change, but if we only knew how... Our friends are often our biggest cheerleaders, piping up with much needed pep rallies when the going gets tough. So what if we not only declare our personal resolutions for 2010, but we go even further with setting up structures that foster those necessary doses of encouragement when our own peters out, *and* have a forum of accountability and fortitude?

I just read a great article from The Art of Manliness all about the necessity of *discipline* (which I will post shortly), and how it is the root to all success. Here is an excerpt from their site that ignited that fire under my arse:

The Kingship of Self-Control

from Self control, its Kingship and Majesty by William George Jordan, 1905

When a man fails in life he usually says, ” I am as God made me.” When he succeeds he proudly proclaims himself a ” self-made man.” Man is placed into this world not as a finality,— but as a possibility. Man’s greatest enemy is,—himself. Man in his weakness is the creature of circumstances; man in his strength is the creator of circumstances. Whether he be victim or victor depends largely on himself.

Man is never truly great merely for what he is, but ever for what he may become. Until man be truly filled with the knowledge of the majesty of his possibility, until there come to him the glow of realization of his privilege to live the life committed to him, as an individual life for which he is individually responsible, he is merely groping through the years…

It was reading that first part about our "natural" state of being versus our self determination that really kicked my butt. (As many people know my email "handle" is "selfmadewill," and I even chose my name Will to be a directive from here on out. So, it goes without saying that this passage really resonated with me. Lord knows I have failed enough for the bunch of us, and that changing that course of self-defeat will be its own success.)

Back to my two friends. I have the one friend from high school with whom I share my biggest hopes and fears, and the newer friend that just disappointed me more than any other human being in decades. This second friend labels herself "the fuck up," where the longer standing friend from my hometown seems to say: "I keep trying, but I haven't yet found the desired results..." Both of these women have lived and traveled extensively in the Middle East, had amazing global adventures I am too nervous to endure, and are both generally funny, approachable, interesting individuals. But it is this friend my past that keeps me inspired, and ready to steady myself for the next unknown, impending challenge because of her own quiet hope that her life may someday *realized* in that big, profound way. She meekly *wants* to succeed, even if she feels teetered by minor set backs and pinched by not yet knowing the "right" course.

This is the kind of person that I want to be. This is the kind of friend that I wish to have. A friend that can commiserate, but also help me regroup to launch myself again, heading out after that long desired skill, quality, or experience that will broaden my chances of true success and fulfillment in this lifetime. Even though her modesty can sometimes jokingly come across as insecurity, I truly believe that in her heart of hearts she wants to find and *earn* that sense of achievement and contentment.

The second, newer friend of mine always rails against the rich, spouting off all of the advantages they have, and still take for granted. She bitches about "spoiled rich kids" being unable to do anything for themselves, and how hard she's had to work being poor, and lacking in nepotistic connections to catapult her artistic career. I finally had to explain to her A) if you're an artist, you can't hate the rich – they're the ones who can afford to buy your art; B) connections alone don't create success – fortitude and talent can drive anyone to success, regardless of their parents' financial status, and on and on...

She has so many grudges to hold against the world, and yet simultaneously sees herself as the fuck up. And it's true, she fucked up pretty royally with me, where I am now at a point where I may not ever be able to return to a friendship with her, after she toxically contaminated professional and residential situations I sent her way. There is a residual strain I feel in my body having had to deal with her over the past week, reviving this same sensation I have felt dealing with her at multiple points in the previous summer. When an individual makes my body feel ill due to the stress and strain they cause me repeatedly, it is a pretty clear indication that they are not healthy for me, and I need to steer clear. Her mixed internalized messages of simultaneously being "the fuck up," while having to work exponentially harder than those "rich kids with their advantages" leaves her in this self-prophetic, exhaustive stance of eternally crashing and burning.

My older friend from high school may also secretly share some of those same sentiments about the privileged, as she and I grew up working class in a suburb of Connecticut where the line between the "have and the have not's" seemed infinitely huge. But when I speak to this friend, even as sheepish as she may feel at times, she never implies that the world is inherently set against her. Sure, there are times when both she and I *wish* that we had more love, more friends, more financial security in this economy, but she says it in a way that is relatable, where I end up rooting for us both. And yes, I think she and I could use a healthy dose of more self-confidence, and bravery at times, but who couldn't?!? Witnessing these two friends earnestly wanting a better life has taught me on which side of that metaphorical fence I'd prefer to land.

With my high school friend and I consistently bolstering the others' confidence and courage to maker bolder steps into these potential lives we could be leading, I see that I want more of that. I want that prodding to live more heart-fully, more coaxing to go beyond the scary places that might have formerly elicited knee-jerk, kick-stop reaction. To be blunt: I want to muster all the requisite facilities to forge ahead into the life of riches, of which I hope to be deserving. I am willing to do all the work to get there, to *earn* it, but sometimes, I need a little external voicely reminder that I will be okay, despite the fears and insecurities potentially telling me otherwise. Space isn't the final frontier, it's the life still yet to be lived fully that is the final frontier for all of us.

So, while distancing myself from this newer toxic friend, I have joyfully embraced this older friendship, seeing that its riches will help me unlock the mystery of my own future self, and the life that I will create for myself there. I feel lucky to have it, and have requested that she and I set up a series of "dares" to safely, and intentionally broaden our daily scopes, until the point where we can make more mindful leaps of faith, delivering us in that hallowed place that for now is still just a day dream away. It will require follow through, stick-to-it-iveness, drive, and accountability. All the good stuff...

I believe with each other's encouraging prods, and our abilities to self-improve from our insightful ways, that we can find love, more friends, more creative career opportunities to supplement our incomes, and enrich our lives. It comes down to ingenuity, hope, discipline, faith, and openness. We're both ready! Are you? Wanna join us for "Self Made Men/Women 2010???"