The Finest Worksong

(The title above is a clickable link to the full NPR interview, if you care to listen...)

Have you ever heard of Hawksley Workman? I'd never heard of him before, but then caught an interview with him on NPR's "All Things Considered" over the weekend. I was driving through Rock Creek Park, trying not to slide off the road, given the copious amounts of black ice everywhere, offering up foretelling imagery of me careening off the road, into a snow covered brook. Awesome! But somehow, I was able to listen so intently to the words that this Canadian singer/songwriter was chirping out in his thick, goofy accent. He was able to come up with some profound spinnings, despite that dopey inflection of his.

The host asked him about a specific passage in one of his songs: "The scars you get together are the scars you really covet." He responded with the following:

We are lead to believe that love is fleeting. I reckon, when you get a little older, and your boat gets batted around a bit, you realize that love is really more a decision. And, it's an opportunity to exist with somebody at their best, and at their worst. And, in doing so, the reflections that you get in one another become the scars that you covet, because those are those simple secrets that are yours alone. And those things are not celebrated in 'movie love.' That's the real stuff that we all fear, that I think is easy to walk away from... ...Their journeys come with their bumps and bruises. And, I think that if you are of a mind that will ultimately celebrate those bumps and bruises, even though they might be years in the making, they will be the things you celebrate, that you cherish, and will be the character of your relationship.

Huh. No shit. I am dumbfounded... I'm not quite sure what to say, which is odd, since I can usually ramble like nobody's business.

This interview arrived at a very interesting time of my life – one that is circling around a great deal of soul searching and introspection. I have had a few incredible heart to hearts with some dear friends over the past few days. One friend who dated a woman that may have Borderline Personality Disorder. It was hellish for him to deal with her constant tailspins and ever-present accusations. We commiserated about patterns of being people pleasers, just wanting everyone to be happy. Talking at length about the empty anger still lingering after having given ourselves away in relationships. There is no one to blame but ourselves, which we readily choose. But what exists beyond that veil of implication?

The truth is that I agree with Hawksley. I, too, believe that every relationship is going to have it's challenges, that they are inescapable. With that said, I think that the most important element might be how we negotiate those challenges as they arise. Our abilities to weather the storms, and find shelter with one another under a shared umbrella, rather than push the other one out in the torrential downpour when we feel vulnerable and pissed.

Upon closer reflection, I think I'm bad at sharing the umbrella. There have been times when I've gotten too pissed at people when they feel far away, like they are emotionally unavailable, or withholding from me. Maybe I have even gotten huffy, when I should have been more mindful, and calmly stated how my heart was breaking. God, wouldn't that have been nice? Wouldn't it be great if we could all be so smooth and calculated? I guess thus far, I haven't been so lucky. Sigh~

But I want to find it – that love to withstand being batted about by the winds of love and immersion. I want to find that partner who will want to hear about the ways in which I feel tender so that we can undo those unintentional wounds, and move on closer, and more connected. I want those affirmations of affection, and know whole heartedly that we have each others' backs. (And fronts, if we're lucky... heh.)

I keep finding people that shut down and run away, deflecting their responsibility for what may have inflicted pinches and punches. People who get caught up in the defenses of the immediate, rather than give way to the larger scope of growing together. As I say this, I am not trying to fully blame *everyone else but myself.* To be perfectly honest, I see it more as a probable issue in how I have been addressing people when my feelings have been hurt. That perhaps my provocations elicited the reactions I deserved... This is what I have been thinking for the past week.

So, to all of those I have loved (and possibly provoked), I'm sorry, and I think I understand more now about how you may have felt back then. And I wish us all better luck in the future.