A dear friend helped me with a spontaneous project last night, and as a thank you I took her out to a swanky dinner at one of the best restaurants in DC. It was incredible, and revived my love for this city, and my interest in stepping outside my usual routine. I had one of the best cocktails I've ever had in my life. A ginger-pomegranate concoction with Hendrix gin. Amazing! It was equally matched with a heavenly series of Indian inspired small plates. The best... Seriously.
This friend of mine and I have known each other for years, and try to catch up every so often to compare notes of our ongoing projects, and the state of our love lives. Last night was no different. There is a shared sense of intimacy that greets us with every encounter, where we launch into subjects that even our closest of friends may not know about us. I am grateful for our times together, as I learn so much about myself, and how different my perspective might be from others' – a learning experience desperately needed.
One of the things that caught me off guard last night was my friend's admission that she is purposely trying to make room for love in her life. She boldly stated that she's a very strong woman, independent to a fault. Lately, she's been noticing that when she meets men, she either sees them as needy and therefore tedious, or she imagines that they are as independent and self sufficient as she is, and then wonders how two people like that would find a way to connect.
My friend is an artist and a writer, and luckily for her, her career is really taking off right now. The problem is that she is so busy being an artist that she hasn't made time (or space) to make herself available to love. This admitted work-a-holic is scheduling every free moment to be uber productive, but how to you schedule: "find love?"
Part of me can relate, as I have been working seven days a week for a long time now, managing a very busy company that an entrepreneur friend of mine owns. I work so much because the work needs to get done, I get compensated quite well for my time, I am good at it, and take pride in my efforts. But maybe I, too, work so many hours to distract myself from the absence of love in my life right now. Yet, unlike my friend, I have always put love first, and assume that I always will.
It's tough for me to comprehend any other course, honestly. To me, love trumps all. Always.
Yes, I want to be successful as a small business consultant, and launch a few businesses of my own. And yes, I want to take my writing more seriously, and submit some articles after sufficiently polishing them up a bit. Or even make a return to film production someday soon... But all of this pales in comparison to my hope – and pursuit of love.
I've been thinking a lot lately about my shortcomings in the field of romance. Most of my fumbles seem to revolve around my impatience with love. Okay, not necessarily with love itself, but rather the people that I choose to love. I tend to have a penchant for women who are slightly unavailable to me. There appears to be some sort of emotional wall that I like scaling while in love. Sometimes I successfully make it over this symbolic barrier, while other times, (and with other people) I get stuck en route, hung out to dry, flailing and wailing. I think I'm bad at this – this whole love thing. I'm never so graceful when I feel held at arms length.
The reality is, I must consider what I've been doing over the years to possibly instigate those kinds of reactions. Even at my best, I still get impatient with those whom I love when I feel strung along. I can't help but wonder how different my life might be if I were more skilled at resisting the temptation to launch into over reactions at the worst times, and consciously choose to be more compassionate (to myself and my beloved, at any given time).
Intimacy isn't something that just exists 'naturally.' No, it's something that participants have to work at – constantly decoding and refining their approaches, honing their abilities to achieve and sustain that euphoric sense of closeness. A few times in my life, I had struck that balance. There were extended periods where I had felt so 'in tune' with my partners that I could intuitively sense their emotional states, even if we were separated geographically, and such. I know, I sound like a total whack job now, but I stand by it.
And there were other people that 'seemed' like they would have been perfect for me, as they possessed all of the qualities that I sought out in a prospective partner, yet that deeper source of connectivity, of understanding, compassion, sympathy, seemed to be lacking. It makes me wonder what ultimately wins out in the struggle of practical compatibilities versus deeper, more symbolic gestures in a relationship. Sheesh~ I have no stinking clue...
Sadly, I think my longer standing battles with anxiety and depression thwarted much of the love that came my way. Perhaps the fears of being unlovable made it so. Am I insufferable when it comes to romance?
During my last amorous attempt, I think I was a mess, stumbling all over the place, trying avoid the emotional pitfalls I knew from my past, but unsure of the metaphorical footing that could make me more grounded. Wanting to change my sabotaging patterns, yet still walking right into them when in doubt. I'm not trying to blame myself for everything, but it's just a bummer to be culpable at all.
If I'm looking for romance, scheduling time to 'find love,' I just want to iron some more of this stuff out before I try again, and get sidetracked in the old, outdated, ineffective routines. If I've been "looking for love in all the wrong places," maybe looking at myself first this time would be a good start. Anyone got a mirror I can borrow?
No comments:
Post a Comment