No, I'm not expecting. And no, I didn't knock anyone up. One of the privileges about being sterile from the testosterone – no surprises... But it's also the really impossible part, at the same time.
Lately I've really been wondering how my life will pan out. I am fearing that I am too comfortable with my solo existence. (Neil Diamond's "Solitary Man" just became my new theme song, didn't it? Fuck.)
I was talking earlier today about how I'm in finally getting back into working out and eating much healthier again, and my good friend mentioned that she is, too, in order to get pregnant. Wow. Um, I wasn't expecting that conversation. It must be something in the air. Or in the stars. I've been thinking about babies a lot lately, and wondering if I'll ever be in relationship that has kids. Or in a relationship, at all, ever again. Period.
It's weird to think that a year and a half ago I reconnected with a long lost ex, who gave birth to a son after we broke up. She and I met up for a couple of summers in a row, and I got to hang out with her kid, and see how it felt to be in that kind of dynamic. It was kind of crazy because her son looked like the perfect split between the two of us, so when we went out, everyone just assumed that I was his dad, since he had a square jaw and green eyes like I do. He was also roughly my height, even though he was only three years old when I last saw him. Ya, not my kid.
Dating someone with kids made wonder how I'd be as a parent. So strange to suddenly step into this spontaneous and hypothetical role as a dad, or step-dad. This little being existed before I came back into the picture, so there wasn't much time to catch up. It was an interesting experience. I got really excited about the prospect of being a stay at home (step) dad, as I work from home anyway, managing several small businesses and writing throughout my day. My mind was flooded with day dreams of all of the possibilities. It was especially a bummer when geography seemed a bit too daunting (at 6,000 miles/6 times zones apart), and the potential romance fizzled.
She and I still keep in contact, and everything is fine between us, but it's tough to feel like I may have missed out on maybe the one chance I'll have to be a parent. Being a transguy, it feels a little more complicated to think about how that may work in the future.
Not to put the cart before the horse, or in this case, the stroller before the infant... But I hope that this wasn't my only shot at being a dad, or a step dad. As scary as many elements can be when contemplating parenthood, I guess I just want to know that it can still be an option, and that my decision to transition hasn't squelched that possibility.
Cuz, in the end, don't we all just want to know we have possibilities...?
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