Anal Retentive...

While stuck in traffic trying to drop my dog off at the kennel, I looked up to see a McDonald's sign missing a very necessary letter. I think the sign was supposed to read angus. Oh, little "g" ~ where have you gone? Anus burgers? Hmmm. Ya, that's a new menu item... I'd say it was refreshing to see such transparency in McDonald's marketing their "fresh" ingredients, but under the circumstances – it's probably more accurate than we'd like to admit.

Anywho~

I had to abandon my trek up north today, and postpone it until tomorrow. A friend of mine was supposed to come by to pick up some client keys to sub for me over the next several days, but unfortunately my friend came by an hour and a half late. It threw off my entire schedule today, so by the time I got done with work after these delays, I got stuck in horrible traffic bringing my dog to his doggie day spa kennel, waaaaay the fuck out in Virginia. A trip that usually takes about 40 minutes took nearly 2.5 hours. This delivered me in the thick of rush hour traffic by the time I dropped him off, and projecting more of the same, I gave up and headed back to DC, rather than brave the stop and go for the next 9 hours heading northbound. Oh well.

I'm going to try to hit the hay soon, and get up super early to begin again. (Wow, if it were that easy...) But it will be an interesting visit with my family. It's the first time that my brother will be in attendance Christmas morning in over 2o years. (Yes, we're *that* old.) My bro, sis-in-law, and our parents will be opening presents Xmas morning in Connecticut, then heading up to the Boston area to have Christmas dinner with the extended family. My 99 year old grandmother's health is failing, so it's strange to think that this may be the last time that we will all be together. The first time in over 20 years, and possibly the last.

My father and I tend to get in some huge blow out fight over the holidaze, and this year, I haven't even been dreading the visit like usual. It's kind of nice to go into the whole venture with a neutral attitude. It's the first holiday where my entire family will not only be altogether, but also the first time that they'll try to comply with using my 'newish' name, and sticking strictly to male pronouns. They hadn't been so great with this stuff in the past. Recently, my Mom has been going into overdrive, buying me a "son" birthday card --- which was HUGE, if you don't know my family, relaying stories where she'd be talking to others referring to me as her son, and so on. Kind of amazing, after years of us all bumbling through the awkwardness of stepping on others' toes, and offending everyone at the same time. My Dad still calls me by my birth name, which annoys me, but makes sense after knowing him for nearly 35 years.

I don't know. It seems like the first time I am going into this feeling like an adult, not like the baby of the family. I am ready.

Last year I was supposed to see my family for a few days around Christmas, but everyone else in the family got stranded by the multitude of snow storms, and I got a "get outta jail free" pass, and bailed to go to Houston early to see the woman that I was dating at the time. That was the first time I had ever been away from my family on Christmas, and the first time I'd ever spent it was a significant other. Crazy. I had a blast in Houston, and the trip we took to New Orleans for New Year's, but I was deathly ill with a flu, worsened by spending time in two cities walloped by hurricanes. I spent a week and a half being a wet blanket, sneezing, wheezing, and sniffling. That's sexy. (I was single again soon after... wah wah wah...)

But I see now that it set the tone for how I want my life to be. I want to be in an mature, responsible relationship, and be an adult within the context of my family. Strange to think about where I have been in this past year, but necessary. This has been the most dramatic few years of my life, not only with my gender schtuff, but with stepping up and trying to be the stable, rooted person I always hoped to become.

I watched a documentary about Keith Haring last night, and thought a lot about the comment someone made about outsider art, and how different it was to be queer in the late 1970s through the mid 1980s. It was still taboo, and frowned upon, and that source of closeted behavior led to this interesting dialogue in a lot of underground art at the time, where that sense of alienation from the main stream was the connecting factor amongst the artists. I could relate.

Having known since I was 3 or 4 that I was queer, and 'different,' I knew my life would potentially be very challenging. I had no clue how my life would materialize, and the ways in which certain specific challenges would manifest, but I knew I was an outsider, and always would be.

Years ago, I dated a woman who was getting a double masters in Deaf Studies and Queer Studies at Gallaudet University. Her thesis focused on the theme of "chosen families" versus our actual biological families, since queer and trans children often come from hetero-normative parents, and many deaf people are born of hearing parents. It was an interesting comparison. She'd bring me to special events at the school, and then proceed to ignore me – something she later on acknowledged was intentional, to make me feel as alienated as many deaf people do in a hearing world. Having felt that way my whole life, I didn't need some woman trying to make me feel more alone in the world.

But I think of all of this now, on the eve of seeing my hetero-normative family, and thinking about this sense of alienation I have always experienced, even with them. And how I didn't realize it until just now, that I have subconsciously been looking for that one person in the universe that makes me feel at home with them – who makes that eternal sense of alienation dissolve right before my eyes. That one person who can melt this cold, cold heart of mine. A person with whom I can start my own family, and know that I belong there. (Well, until my kids are teenagers, and make everything feel awkward, awful and unwanted... Heh.)

I had hoped that this last person I dated could have been the one to feel like home. After we broke up I started to understand how much of what I wanted to feel with someone else had to begin with me. Gandhi said something like: "Be the change you wish to see in the world," and I think that sentiment can be extended. I think I need to be the home I wish to find in the world, the family I wish to create.

In the past, I think I struggled with this fractured, broken feeling I have always had. Many of us seem to turn to romantic relationships in hopes that they will make us feel whole, and heal the long standing wounds we've suffered. I can honestly say that I'm not looking to be rescued, or for that person to come and save me. For once, I've seen all the work I've done to save myself, and I'm finally feeling relieved knowing that whatever comes next will be free of some of these anchors that kept me stuck in this broken past.

I'm looking forward to some new adventures! And away we go ~