The bad part of managing a pet sitting company is that you don't really get to telecommute for the pet visits themselves. Today was the first snow day of the season. It was gorgeous, cold, and made me nostalgic for my childhood in New England. I watched a father bring his two kids to this park, and try to go sledding down these modest knolls. It was really endearing, and made me yearn for the innocence and exuberance that is mostly found in our youth.
There is a part of me that feels somewhat dislocated. Watching that father with his kids, and feeling like I am stuck somewhere in between those two roles, perhaps permanently. Even though that particular dad might only be a few years older than me now that I've turned 34, I fear that I will always appear adolescent.
The other day a newer friend of mine mistakenly assumed that I was older than my brother. She said that I always take care of things, that I have my shit together, and end up taking a lot of people under my wing. It sounded so strange to me, as I feel like I have "little brother" emblazoned on my forehead. Everything about me seems like it was formulated as a reaction to having an older brother. Things like my paralyzing shyness, my fleeting insecurities, my yielding nature. Even the testosterone can't completely override that foundation of being a younger sibling.
My childhood seems so far away now. Yet fatherhood seems equally far, not to mention daunting. I'm left wondering when I'll ever look my age, and how to grow into it.
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