Have you ever felt like this? (((I like his little toes...))) This is kind of how I feel today. I had a great day, but it was a whirl wind. A small gaggle of my favorite people called me today to check in, which was really great to get caught up finally. I also did several hours of landscaping at my house, in preparation for my big birthday party tomorrow night. I think I've invited about 85 people, so any more than 13 will be a pleasant surprise. Trying to get ready. I've got about 4 simultaneous "to do" lists to ensure I won't forget anything. Inevitably, I will.
Invited friends via email. Check. Invited friends via Facebook. Check. (Which took me far too long to decipher how to set up an event. Man, I'm dum.) Swept front porch and front step, removed like 372 lbs of wet leaves from the front and back yards, repotted and replanted dozens of plants in front garden. Check. Hired my illegal alien - Canadian artist friend to recaulk two of my bathrooms. Check. Um – isn't there supposed some talk about party necessities, like booze and snacks? Ya. Hopefully I'll get around to that.
It was just such a gorgeous day, finally having the sun back after weeks of rain and dreary gray skies. The barometric tension seemed to break just in time for the the metaphorical clouds to part, as well. One of the phone calls I received was from the last person I seriously dated, who lives a time zone away. There had been several months of radio silence between us, so the call was unexpected, to say the least. It was great to get the chance to chat, and hear about each others' lives, as we had been friends for years before we tried to date one another. It was tough to feel like that friendship might have been threatened when our romance fizzled. I was bummed, to say the least.
In many ways, that relationship was one of the most defining moments in my life. It was that connection that made me realize that I wanted to step up and be a productive, successful, balanced adult. I think when I was younger, it was kind of sexy to be the mellow-dramatic fuck up, the bad boy. Then I hit a certain age, and realized that you're just a douche for still carrying on like some narcissistic, anxiously bratty child. Being dumped was the wake up call that I needed to get my shit together, and start living the life that would make me proud to claim as my own.
Being in that relationship made me want to be a better man. I've never truly felt that before. I was ready to raise the bar. I think in the past, I was too invested in trying to run away, or trying to defensively deflect responsibility for the bad choices I was making. But I finally saw myself objectively, and knew instantly that I had to step up and change what was sabotaging my life. I feel really proud of the person that I've worked so hard to become since that break up. And it felt great to be able to acknowledge what I've learned, and be able to put those ghosted flickers of guilt and shame to rest. To be able to hear us both say that we learned so much from each other, that it was significant, and that we've been missed by the other. So unexpected, and just plain nice to hear. No pretense, no defenses, no bullshit. What a great way to lead into my birthday.
Perfect.
And one of my favorite friends from college called, my best friend made her near-daily calls to check in, chatted for a while with an artist friend/client about her upcoming show in NYC later this week. Got home to find a bunch of folks already posting birthday greetings on my Facebook page. To be honest, I was a little nervous that this birthday was going to suck, as they seem to be super fun, or super sucky. Last year's birthday was one of my favorites of all time. Understated, simple, but exactly what I wanted. Brunch with the aforementioned ex ("pre-ex'ing"), spa treatments with one of my best friends in DC, a wonderful "dress up" dinner at the Tabard Inn with my gal-pal, and then a celebration with all of my closest friends at home with my Mom's famous carrot cake. Simply dreamy.
Looking forward to having a low key birthday this year, and having some time to reflect. I'm ready to celebrate with my friends, and letting it be what it is.
Thanks for already making it a good one!
No comments:
Post a Comment