Hey there, again, more radio silence. Sorry. I've been super swamped with work, which has been good in many ways. A nice distraction from other things that have been passing through my head, and good to be feeling productive in the professional sense again. Plus, I've been getting a lot of exercise, and trying to find some balance that way. But there are a few things that keep resurfacing in my mind.
Like, one of my best friends got married yesterday. She and I have been friends for about 8 years now. Coincidentally, she was housemates with my oldest friend in the world, who moved to DC around the same time I did. When I went to go meet up with him at his place for the first time, I ran into her, and was completely smitten. She was pretty amazing, and saucy, and I fell for her instantly. We became friends, and she seemed rather encouraging of my crush on her. I'd drop by and bring her cute, funny gifts, or bottles of wine to share with her friends. It was fun. And when she started dating this new guy, I wasn't sure how I felt. I mean, I always felt a bit too shy around her, like I didn't know if she just thought it was endearing how awkward I was with my crush, or if she liked me back. And I think that's been true much of my life.
Many times, I sat back, and hoped that my obvious, yet restrained crushes would let the subjects of my affection know that I liked them, and that I was waiting for a green light. But what if I didn't know how that green light would actually manifest? Would it be a lean in for a kiss? Would it be a sweet conversation about how they liked me, too? Or were they waiting for me to have the balls to make a move first? Enter: my problem with dating. I don't think I am particularly good at those early stages. Thinking now about "all of the loves that could have been, if I only thought of something charming to say."
I am *really* happy for my friend that she found someone that really works with and for her. I think they are well suited, so my bumbling feelings are not so much out of jealousy, but more based in self-reflection wondering if I was liking people in the 'wrong' way. Should I have been more brave, more brazen? Would I have swept more people off their feet? Possibly the right people? I dunno. How can I quantify that now in retrospect? And I don't want to get all spiraling in self doubt, and regret. But it makes me wonder.
My friend whole-heartedly wanted to be married, and to have her boyfriend propose. When he did, there was a noticeable sense of relief in her demeanor. She seemed more calm, and self assured, less worried in general. She knew where she belonged. It must be a nice feeling.
I, of course, don't know where I belong yet. I spent about a half an hour at their place yesterday checking on their cats, flipping through the heaps of wedding magazines feeling more and more confused about where exactly I am in my trajectory. (For those of you who may not know me that well, I am a bit of a dandy... I love all things fanciful. An ex once commented on my home decorating style as "part old lady, part gay man," with my mid century antiques, and shiny silver accoutrement. I *love* design magazines, decorating suggestions, and party planning like nobody's business...) So, I was partly in heaven reviewing these mags, and partly in hell, remembering that I am not anywhere close to even thinking about a wedding. Sigh~
I wasn't able to go to my friends' destination wedding, which may have been for the best anyway, considering my state of mind, and my former crush on her. I fear I would've been weeping through the whole thing, and not outta tears of joy for the happy couple.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride... Er, something like that.
I think that as long as it doesn't involve a pair of binoculars or a weapon, you can't like someone in the "wrong" way. I do think that there's a window of opportunity that closes after being friends with someone after a certain period of time, because it's hard to transition from those familial feelings that mark friendship. But maybe that's just me.
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