I want to talk about something delicate, that I fear may come out wrong... Please be patient as I try to fumble my way through this explanation.
While talking to a friend, I tried to explain some of the feelings of guilt that I have when I like someone. I guess it's loosely related to a sense of internalized homophobia, or internalized transphobia, but I'll try to explain in more detail what I mean.
In short, I knew since I was a very young child that I had crushes on girls. I grew up feeling like I was meant to be a boy – like there had been some medical mistake that we were still waiting to catch. My crushes on female classmates were organically emerging as young as 4 years old. (There was one girl in my kindergarten class that I liked so much, that when we made plans to hang out at each others' houses, I'd fake a stomach ache out of nerves because I was too anxious for her to come over and play.) Above and beyond this predisposition I seem to have towards anxiety, I also knew inherently that how I felt about girls was different than how I felt about boys. I liked boys a great deal, but it was more about trying to emulate them, or things that I thought were cool, but not butterfly-inducing.
Around fifth grade I started writing what I thought would be masterful screenplays about a young female lead who developed crushes on slightly older classmates. Huh, you don't say... But it wasn't until junior high when I started meeting girls my own age that I felt were crush-worthy. I knew instantly that it was going to be chaotic. This was not your mother's middle school crush. Nuh-ugh...
I felt conflicted, feeling like I wanted to celebrate all of the amazing traits I found in these befriended classmates, yet knowing that doing so would sever those friendships and make me a target of ridicule and sneers. In school, I had always been well liked, and friendly with many different social circles, even the popular, wealthy 'preps,' despite my middle class, rough edges, and lack of social graces. I always felt like a visitor, though, in whatever setting I was inhabiting at the time. Even though I had a lot of friends, I never felt like I truly fit in anywhere. I never wanted to rock the boat, and threaten those ties I had to so many different friendships. This was in part from co-dependence, and in part, being a normal teenager...
But I felt guilty about liking people, like it was too complicated, or incriminating. Not flattering or sexy, as if the popular, jocky guy had liked them. And so it went for most of my life, feel embarrassed that I liked someone, and like I wanted to apologize for it. That being said, I have rarely been single since I first started dating women when I was 15, so I guess that guilt wasn't too much of a hurdle.
I raise this issue now, as I see it interfering with my approach to dating these days. There is this residual feeling of incrimination that I find surfacing when I have a crush on someone. I feel almost guilty that they have to decide how to handle it, and sort through their feelings and histories. This is coming from another friend's recent confession that she had a crush on me in college, and how that crush had sort of shuttled her into a spin of questioning her own sexuality and identity. That's happened a lot, and as much as I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to 'ignite' someone's self-exploration, I do feel a bit guilty that it has sometimes been very challenging for folks, especially if we had tried to be together as a couple.
Not to sound pathetic or ungrateful, but there is a part of me that still resents the fact that in order to date someone (as a transguy) that it's implied that I'd have to find someone "really open minded," and "secure with their sexuality." Like we are all saying under our breath: "If they could have found anyone better, they would clearly be with someone else..."
Ugh.
So many of my truly incredible friends have been telling me how great I am, and how they can't believe someone as good as me is still single. Or that they think that I'm the ideal man. It's sweet of them to say, but I can't help but feel reactionary, and defensive, like if I was so wonderful, than why am I still alone?
Man, I guess it's a 'case of the Mondays'... Blech.
While talking to a friend, I tried to explain some of the feelings of guilt that I have when I like someone. I guess it's loosely related to a sense of internalized homophobia, or internalized transphobia, but I'll try to explain in more detail what I mean.
In short, I knew since I was a very young child that I had crushes on girls. I grew up feeling like I was meant to be a boy – like there had been some medical mistake that we were still waiting to catch. My crushes on female classmates were organically emerging as young as 4 years old. (There was one girl in my kindergarten class that I liked so much, that when we made plans to hang out at each others' houses, I'd fake a stomach ache out of nerves because I was too anxious for her to come over and play.) Above and beyond this predisposition I seem to have towards anxiety, I also knew inherently that how I felt about girls was different than how I felt about boys. I liked boys a great deal, but it was more about trying to emulate them, or things that I thought were cool, but not butterfly-inducing.
Around fifth grade I started writing what I thought would be masterful screenplays about a young female lead who developed crushes on slightly older classmates. Huh, you don't say... But it wasn't until junior high when I started meeting girls my own age that I felt were crush-worthy. I knew instantly that it was going to be chaotic. This was not your mother's middle school crush. Nuh-ugh...
I felt conflicted, feeling like I wanted to celebrate all of the amazing traits I found in these befriended classmates, yet knowing that doing so would sever those friendships and make me a target of ridicule and sneers. In school, I had always been well liked, and friendly with many different social circles, even the popular, wealthy 'preps,' despite my middle class, rough edges, and lack of social graces. I always felt like a visitor, though, in whatever setting I was inhabiting at the time. Even though I had a lot of friends, I never felt like I truly fit in anywhere. I never wanted to rock the boat, and threaten those ties I had to so many different friendships. This was in part from co-dependence, and in part, being a normal teenager...
But I felt guilty about liking people, like it was too complicated, or incriminating. Not flattering or sexy, as if the popular, jocky guy had liked them. And so it went for most of my life, feel embarrassed that I liked someone, and like I wanted to apologize for it. That being said, I have rarely been single since I first started dating women when I was 15, so I guess that guilt wasn't too much of a hurdle.
I raise this issue now, as I see it interfering with my approach to dating these days. There is this residual feeling of incrimination that I find surfacing when I have a crush on someone. I feel almost guilty that they have to decide how to handle it, and sort through their feelings and histories. This is coming from another friend's recent confession that she had a crush on me in college, and how that crush had sort of shuttled her into a spin of questioning her own sexuality and identity. That's happened a lot, and as much as I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to 'ignite' someone's self-exploration, I do feel a bit guilty that it has sometimes been very challenging for folks, especially if we had tried to be together as a couple.
Not to sound pathetic or ungrateful, but there is a part of me that still resents the fact that in order to date someone (as a transguy) that it's implied that I'd have to find someone "really open minded," and "secure with their sexuality." Like we are all saying under our breath: "If they could have found anyone better, they would clearly be with someone else..."
Ugh.
So many of my truly incredible friends have been telling me how great I am, and how they can't believe someone as good as me is still single. Or that they think that I'm the ideal man. It's sweet of them to say, but I can't help but feel reactionary, and defensive, like if I was so wonderful, than why am I still alone?
Man, I guess it's a 'case of the Mondays'... Blech.
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