Shoe-gazing Central

I live in Washington, DC, where everything becomes some sort of monument... Many of the old timey emergency phone boxes scattered around the city have become housing for various art installations. My favorites in the city coincidentally reside in my neighborhood. These formerly abandoned phone boxes from decades past contain bronze sculptures depicting miniature scenes of all kinds.

This one is my all time favorite. I walk my dog through the labyrinth of streets, and ensure that we by pass this gem daily. It perfectly represents the feeling of rumbling anxiety melded with hope that your latest 'beloved' may be *the one.*

The young man so vulnerable in his efforts to woo the young woman of his desires. There she stands perched on her ledge, looking down at him, his hands fumbling from the butterflies. Her face reflects a smile of flattery, and her hand stationed on the porch railing, as if to signal: "It's okay. I like you, too."

In perfect shoe gazing territory, I find myself. My constant crushes, as I enlist myself in this new paradigm of thought. To be a man... What does it mean, and how do I find out?

I wanted to transition to 'become more myself,' (if that makes any sense...) to free myself of the tethers of a body that was incongruent with my internalized imaginings of who I was, or could be. (Does that sound crazy?) And yet, I trip on the societal caricatures of what each gender encapsulates. The umbrella of manliness that sometimes leaves me out in the pouring rain. I think I am okay with that.

I am a transman, and didn't want to 'assume the position' of manhood just cuz. I didn't want to assert myself as just another middle class, white guy, to covertly step up a few more rungs in the social strata. No. I want to embrace my 'otherness' as much as I can, and help remind myself that we are all 'others' in some capacity. (I don't wanna turn Republican on yer asses!) And I certainly don't want to insert qualities or characteristics that are in direct opposition to who I think I am at my core sense of being. But it's tricky, to master the reigns of these shifts in my biology, chemistry, personality, social cues, etc.

I guess I'm just scared that until I can figure some of this stuff out a little more, putting myself in 'relation' to anyone might seem more confusing than it's worth. But for heaven's sake, I wanna be in love... Someday.