Nest Egg

I think I may have mentioned that I am in my mid thirties, right? I'm coming to understand that certain *feelings* sometimes surface when we hit these chronological milestones. Maybe developmental psychologist are on to something...

One of the things that I am *feeling* in my mid thirties is this deeply rooted desire to nest. Okay, in reality, it's been there all along, but only now it eclipses most everything else. (My friend Melanie calculated my astrological chart years ago, where she found that I am a Sagittarius with a Cancer rising. Evidently, this explains my domestic predisposition with the drive to always want to host Bacchanalian feasts, or movie nights at my house. Cosmic mumbo jumbo aside –)

I have to admit: I am scared. When I think of how much I dated in my teens and twenties, it makes sense. I went to a large, relatively open minded, public high school in Connecticut, and a super progressive, tiny liberal arts college in Vermont. Both were practically hot beds of romantic and sexual explorations. (Why did I say "hot beds?" Egh.) What I mean is, it makes sense that my peers indulged in the personal freedoms granted in those kinds of permissive climates. We all the got to reap the benefits of socially experimenting with other like minded folks, to find out more about ourselves. Great!

But now, I'm in that stage where we are expected to have the big things ironed out already. We're supposed to use that knowledge from those youthful explorations to settle down, focus, and further perfect our intended track. Uh-oh.

It's not so much beating myself up here (as I perhaps I've been doing far too much in this blog). No, this time I mean something else. I fear that the pool of candidates interested in being someone's 'other half' at this stage in the game might be adverse to 'testing the waters' with someone like me now that we are older, and maybe past the experimental phases of adolescence. It's not like I think I am the Hunchback of Notre Dame, but realistically speaking, my life and trans status would impact a partner in many ways. If she would want to have kids, it would be something that would need to be negotiated, as I couldn't be a biological part of that process. The fact that my body is a bit different might take some getting used to... And so on.

It was easier to get away with these differences when we were all young and crazy, but now that people are toning it down as they age, I fear that I may eternally be an empty nester. I know that not everyone is going to see the trans card as a huge obstacle to have to overcome, and that some of that is just my projected fear to keep myself safe and preventing failure by not trying. But – I also can't lie to myself and say that everyone wants me, and all people who meet me instantly become 'tranny chasers.' Heh, and no...

How do I find those people that wouldn't hold my identity and physiology against me, and above and beyond that ~ would be a good match for the long haul?

Hmmm. I'll keep thinking.

Nested & vested. ~ Will