The *Lost* Soul

Lately I have been struggling with this idea of how lost I feel. This essence that I am a "Stranger in a Strange Land." I feel muddled because technically I've been here for three years this October, yet only now am starting to fully comprehend all of the shifts that have taken place during my transition.

It's easy to list off dozens of welcomed changes, but right now I want to share something more troubling to me. I seem to have lost my sense of passion since I have transitioned. So, of course, I'll sit here and try to explain how the sensation of love feels different to me now as a guy. The way I experience it holistically, and physiologically has changed so dramatically that I don't even recognize myself as the same person in romantic situations. I don't *feel* things as deeply as I did before I transitioned. It's like my emotions have become much more shallow, and my experiential knowledge is based more heavily on cerebral reactions to stimuli. Lame... I don't 'fall' in love the way I did before, and frankly, I miss it. I mourn the loss of that passion, and passionate self. Even though I can still be funny, there is a much more serious, earnest side to me that appears to be a side effect of the T. I'd rather go back to being the life of the party that had amazing love affairs than this earnest dork that thinks about love, and doesn't immerse myself within it.

A woman I dated most recently told me that she knew that I loved her, and she loved me, too, but she didn't 'pine' for me. I knew exactly what she meant. That depth of feeling, that range of human emotions has narrowed for me, and has taken some of the vibrancy, the richness away. Not only have I "lost that loving feeling," but I also lost a girlfriend because of it. Rightly so.

So, it begs the question: What creates passion? What is the source – from where does it come? Am I less passionate because of hormones and shifts in my brain? Am I less passionate because I am scared in this new life, and I'm still fumbling to find my new identity? Will it ever return as I learn more about this evolving identity and still morphing body of mine? If I cut back in the hormones, or go off them completely, will the passion return? Was the surfacing of this new earnest, thinker a byproduct, or a side effect of the T? If I stop the hormones injections, will the seriousness fade and the passion resume, or am I now changed forever – neurologically, or otherwise?

I want to know. I want it back. I want to love – like I used to... I want to feel like I have known I could. I want the richness, the depth, the dimensions, the vibrancy, and I want to share that in a way that makes someone want to stay with me. I want it to be too good, too rare, too precious to give up. But instead, I was what was given up.

Huh. No wonder why I feel so lost.