I am a methodical list maker. Always have been. An ex called me years back after she saw High Fidelity, telling me that it was my story. I didn't think so. I never even met Lisa Bonet. But I could see what she meant: a person unsure about what they wanted, and only wanting to fight for it after it was lost. Maybe. He made endless lists, categorizing, classifying everything. Yet it seemed that despite his attempts to label everything, it brought him no closer to *understanding* much of anything of substance. I think that's what my ex was trying to tell me back then.
While in college, I went to see the school psychologist a few times for a tune up. It was there that she told me that she thought I was "ambivalent" about my sexuality. Her theory was that I didn't know where I fit within the gender spectrum because of my body dysmorphic/gender dysmorphic issues, and therefore, I frequently dated straight women as a subtle sabotage to prevent myself from ever finding a resolved, stable relationship. Wow, what a way to reduce my life down to a few nuts and bolts.
My father often chided me by saying that I was infamous for "paralysis by analysis, " and he didn't mean psychotherapy. That qualifies him as another name to add to my list of people who think I'm ambivalent.
Sure, it's sad but true – I am and maybe have been unsure about certain elements of my life. I guess I'm confused as to why that singles me out, exactly. Is everyone else walking around with confirmations and resolutions to all of their life's mysteries? Am I the only one here? I mean, c'mon.
The truth is, I don't want to be ambivalent. I took this huge leap of faith to end that waffling (mmmm, waffles) about my gender and sexuality. I'm not saying it's all 'fixed' now, but I don't have any regrets, and I know that this is the life I am 'meant' to be living, as a transguy. I want to have this billowing sense of confidence, this allure, that will draw the right people to me at the right time. I want to date people that know they want to date me. But I guess the problem with that concept is that we only know once we are in it. So, do I need a prerequisite then for dating me? That they would have had to have dated another transguy before me to ensure that if the problem is me, it's one of my many other tragic flaws, and not simply my trans status? That seems a but tough to require these days.
My last relationship left me with some questions, but don't they all? Yes, I was scared that I wouldn't be enough, and that I wouldn't be 'the one' for that woman. And maybe those fears ended up making that a reality. It sucks. As much as I would love to take all the blame for those woes in an inadvertent plea to then right all of the wrongs I may have inflicted romantically, I don't think I am the only ambivalent one. And I don't think my trans status is necessarily a provocation for everyone else's ambivalence, either.
What if it can just be accepted? What if it slowly becomes a non-issue – then can I be liberated enough to just move on to the real marrow of the encounter?
Now that I have seen this see-saw of my own arrested development, can we move on, and migrate to another fixture on this playscape of love?
While in college, I went to see the school psychologist a few times for a tune up. It was there that she told me that she thought I was "ambivalent" about my sexuality. Her theory was that I didn't know where I fit within the gender spectrum because of my body dysmorphic/gender dysmorphic issues, and therefore, I frequently dated straight women as a subtle sabotage to prevent myself from ever finding a resolved, stable relationship. Wow, what a way to reduce my life down to a few nuts and bolts.
My father often chided me by saying that I was infamous for "paralysis by analysis, " and he didn't mean psychotherapy. That qualifies him as another name to add to my list of people who think I'm ambivalent.
Sure, it's sad but true – I am and maybe have been unsure about certain elements of my life. I guess I'm confused as to why that singles me out, exactly. Is everyone else walking around with confirmations and resolutions to all of their life's mysteries? Am I the only one here? I mean, c'mon.
The truth is, I don't want to be ambivalent. I took this huge leap of faith to end that waffling (mmmm, waffles) about my gender and sexuality. I'm not saying it's all 'fixed' now, but I don't have any regrets, and I know that this is the life I am 'meant' to be living, as a transguy. I want to have this billowing sense of confidence, this allure, that will draw the right people to me at the right time. I want to date people that know they want to date me. But I guess the problem with that concept is that we only know once we are in it. So, do I need a prerequisite then for dating me? That they would have had to have dated another transguy before me to ensure that if the problem is me, it's one of my many other tragic flaws, and not simply my trans status? That seems a but tough to require these days.
My last relationship left me with some questions, but don't they all? Yes, I was scared that I wouldn't be enough, and that I wouldn't be 'the one' for that woman. And maybe those fears ended up making that a reality. It sucks. As much as I would love to take all the blame for those woes in an inadvertent plea to then right all of the wrongs I may have inflicted romantically, I don't think I am the only ambivalent one. And I don't think my trans status is necessarily a provocation for everyone else's ambivalence, either.
What if it can just be accepted? What if it slowly becomes a non-issue – then can I be liberated enough to just move on to the real marrow of the encounter?
Now that I have seen this see-saw of my own arrested development, can we move on, and migrate to another fixture on this playscape of love?
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