I have often remarked that my transition literally saved my life. It's been the most challenging, yet most enriching experience I've ever had. To intentionally choose the person that I've become, and resist the temptations of letting inertia passively steer my course. It feels good to be able to admit that. But with that said, I sometimes go on to say that it's almost like I won the lottery. It's where the preposterous and improbable became actualized overnight, and I haven't had time to fully absorb the aftershocks. Suddenly, with a life so different from the one I routinely imagined for myself growing up, I understand why Lotto winners return to work on Monday morning. Because they simply can't think of what else to do...
The past three years have been that metaphorical Monday morning for me, where the inertia has started to creep back in out of habit. Without sounding ungrateful, and fearing that this blog has become more like my self-indulgent pity party, table for one, I want to remind myself of the opportunities.
The old adage: "Anything is possible," always sounded like a load of shit to me. Having had a tough life, it felt like spitting in the wind. People who say things like that always struck me as the type who alphabetized their breakfast cereals, and considered themselves 'morning people' as a complement. Me – I've always lived on the fine line of 'hoping to be hopeful,' and the cynicism of the snarky. Maybe better put: I wanted to live in a way where *I* got the credit if my mornings were enjoyable, and not just chalk it up to fate, or the absence of an unforeseen mishap. I've worked my butt off to not succumb to utter pessimism, and claw my way back to the middle ground when the scale tips too much to that side. In short: I've seen some shit.
And I think it is exactly that experiential knowledge of the tough times that has made this opportunity feel all the more liberating and mind blowing. I mean, can you imagine the biggest of your demons, which has felt debilitating your entire life, could one day be exorcised? What would you do to make that happen? How much would you be willing to invest in yourself to make the requisite changes to start that new life?
When I talk about my transition, it's more about a revolution of my mind than it is about changing genders. Only when we see what is possible can we make those things come to fruition. Not knowing I 'could do that' (meaning, change genders) meant that I couldn't. The life changing part to me was realizing the infinite possibilities if only we creatively strategize the solutions, rather than just take things at face value.
For decades, I talked myself out of thinking I could ever feel whole in this confusing fracture between my mind and body. Once I heard about other transmen, I told myself that maybe it wasn't the *right* solution for me. When I wondered if it could be part of the exploration needed, I told myself that I could lose everything, and it wasn't worth it. When I told myself that I needed to get past the codependent fears of abandonment to find what I needed for myself, I was then afraid of what changes it would have on my body, my long term health, etc.
Then after I actually began hormone treatments, I didn't know what else my transition would entail. Once I considered having 'top surgery' to make my chest look more masculine, I then chastised myself for dreaming that I could ever afford a $7,500 elective surgery. Only when I finally became determined to make it happen, it took less than two months for me to come up with $10,000 for the surgery, and related costs surrounding my 3-4 week medical leave. (A sum that I never would have imagined that I could produce at this stage of my life, let alone in such a short time.) After that, I finally decided upon a name to represent this new version of myself... I chose the name 'Will' (not William) because only my sense of will power and determination kept me moving forward everything time I got scared and wanted to quit or turn back. Now I *love* the fact that will has become my reference point from here on out.
It was all so surreal, but only made possible when I allowed myself to consider the most outlandish, unrealistic options, and made my inner devil's advocate shut the fuck up! But more importantly, it only came to fruition when I finally admitted that I was worthy of living a life that would actually make me happy, and allow me to be "my most authentic self," (as Oprah would say).
So, as much as this blog might be my sounding board for working through my social anxiety about love and relationships, I just want to clarify that I'm really psyched that this is the life that I have mindfully crafted for myself. Complexities or not, I wouldn't wish it to be any other way.
Back to you – what would you want to change, what demons exorcised, if you could create the life you've always wanted?
No comments:
Post a Comment