A Boy in Sheep's Clothing

Some people have given me guff for not dating enough queer women. They seem to think that it would be the answer to all of my problems. I don't resist the idea, it just happens that many of the people I have happened to be attracted to were straight, and surprisingly wanted to explore a relationship with me.

I think one of the seemingly difficult obstacles is that if a woman identifies exclusively as queer, yet I pass as a man – sometimes it can publicly challenge their self-labelling, if others think dating a man would dispute or disqualify their queerness. Some people use the word 'queer' as an all encompassing term including bisexuality, where as others just use it as a post modern moniker instead of separating out gay or lesbian, or GLBTQI every time. It's obviously an individual preference, and doesn't apply to everyone, or even 'most' people. (Like how I'm trying to cover my bases?) But some of the queer women I have dated felt a bit of a pinch as my masculine appearance seemed to infringe upon how they define themselves, and how they want to be seen in the public eye. I can totally understand that conundrum. (And can also understand the complexities of straight women dating me pre-transition, too.)

Many of these people supported my transition, and still do, but I can comprehend the difference between theoretical support of one's peer, versus the ways that relationships ultimately reflect elements of our selves, and therefore are a little more delicate and sensitive.

It's not that I prefer straight women, but that I don't travel in exclusively queer networks, and never have. I have often worked closely with GLBTQI groups, hell, even hooked up with a bunch of gay men I met through those circuits (not to throw your panties in a tizzy by admitting that fact ~ ). But in all my years of working for queer non-profits or small businesses, a lot of lesbians out and out disliked me, and I'm not sure why that is. In certain instances it was because they wrongly assumed I was flirting with their girlfriends, which I wasn't! (I was just funny, I swear!) While now, I sometimes get treated as a misogynist, like I abandoned womanhood and ALL women to just become another white man with power, which also isn't the case. It makes me sad that so many incorrect assumptions can be made as an excuse to further distance ourselves from each other in humanity, instead of finding those threads that can potentially connect all of us in one way or another.

It makes me feel like I am a boy in sheep's clothing, as if I am trying to pull a fast one on someone I hope to date, or the world at large – as if I am a fraud, or poseur in my transgender life now. I assert my identity as a transguy because I believe that I am where I am supposed to be – trans meaning "to span the distance" between the genders. I don't believe it's a polarized view of man versus woman, and not even an oversimplified line between the two. I think all of us pick and choose what fits for us as individuals, and that generalizations are then made from seeing patterns and loose consistencies in how society defines masculinity versus femininity. But they are not prescriptions for the only acceptable ways to present ourselves. I don't want to lose all of the characteristics that I cherished pre-transition just because they might not be manly enough now. I don't want to lose the valuable essence of who I am at my core regardless of this side or that side, hormones or not, as I hope that my life is lived in a way to challenge the polarized views of gender, and not in a way that affirms stereotyping.

I live as an 'out transman' (not hiding, or denying my original body, and my experiential history) as I want to give a face to this demographic. It's far too easy to have disdain for what we do not know personally. I got really scared when there was the backlash in this country when the 'Pregnant Man' came forward. There was so much trans-phobia and bigotry that was somehow still excusable in main stream media, and public opinion. Anyone who knows me knows that I typically don't flash my politics around, and push them on other people. I have witnessed that backfiring, and confirming the opposing views in too many instances. (I studied Conflict Resolution, for god's sake...) But I have chosen to live openly, and candidly to try to seem multidimensional, and human to those that might otherwise not know any trans people in their corners of the world.

I put myself out there, (even making myself vulnerable to attack) not because I am a glutton for punishment, but because I believe it is the right thing to do. Not only for myself, and my transgender allies, but for all of us for are trying so desperately to live authentic, unique, and fulfilling lives in however we see ourselves. My life is a modest one, and a humble one, as I have had my share of challenges and abuse. I don't think I can change the world, but I do believe that if I can connect with just one person, than it is all worth it, and I haven't lived in vain.

I promise I'm not a boy in sheep's clothing trying to deceive you. I'm just an individual trying to do my best to be a person worth knowing, to live a life worth living, and to strive for connection as much as humanly possible.

I hope that's enough...